Category: caring for ourselves


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Being a Born Again Christian means just that. Being BORN AGAIN. Another chance, a renewing of one’s self inside and out. I was a Christian before, a Catholic Christian, believing in God and Jesus Christ, the Blessed Mother and all the saints too.

It’s not the same as being a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN.  I now only pray to Jesus, God  and talk with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that’s inside of me. The one and only Holy Trinity.

John 14:Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

So through Jesus it is. It took awhile to dispel all the religious legalism I had learned through my life. But I am a willing student. I wanted what Jesus had to offer. The goodness, mercy, peace, and most of all forgiveness. Like a little girl I ran to Him. I wanted it all. I got it. It was a slow road, retraining my mouth, my thoughts and my actions but it was well worth it. Here are some of my thoughts about this journey that I’m on.

I used to curse, smoke, drink, do light drugs, talk about people, I was jealous, envious, lustful, and  I was also sad, alone, unhealthy and isolated from whatever good was out there and never feeling good enough, never knowing real love, I felt alone, distant, confused, distrustful and angry. My life was so unfair, I  felt the dread the overbearing dread. It felt heavy, it was like a dragging weight. Constantly pulling at me. I wanted to escape.

I wanted to be saved by my white knight. I used to say that all the time and add, yeah, it’s probably the Ajax white knight so he can clean up my act, I think I mentioned it in a previous post. There was a TV commercial about Ajax back in my day with a shining knight on a white horse. I guess it stuck in my head, (sigh) another fantasy. I wanted a better life, that life was not the life that I planned on. I used to think June Cleaver, a TV fantasy mother (Leave it to Beaver TV Show) was the perfect mother, wife, homemaker, etc. She also wasn’t real but TV made her look as if we all wanted to be like her. One of my early idols, not including Elvis.  I had a great fantasy life, what an imagination!

I worked hard before I was saved trying to straighten my life out, but I couldn’t keep up. Talk about running around in circles. I was prime pickings for dark thoughts, the whispers in my own head. I began to spiral. I was in my little pity party again planning my escape.

I made a mess, I made so many mistakes, I sinned, I lusted, I envied, I was jealous,  often negative about many things. It was just a matter of time. Like smoking cigarettes ( which I no longer do) we think of the consequences happening down the road. Not realizing it’s really a short road we’re all on.

I fell down and did’t even realize it. Thinking that because I  went to church every Sunday and celebrated the church holidays that it was enough. It wasn’t. I also celebrated Halloween and Easter at that time too.

Geez, I was confused. Receiving Holy Communion and worshiping pagan idols and pagan holidays. What was I thinking?

I was confused and living in a growing fogginess of confusion. There were times I couldn’t even make good decisions or the right ones. It had become so bad at one point that I just more or less flipped a coin, pick one decision and live with it, I said to myself. Take the consequences as they come. Russian roulette with my life. My Spiritual life. What was I thinking?

Today I am so much better, much more of a real person. The person I always wanted to be. I made a lot of mistakes, wrong turns. It has been a long road back to where I’m supposed to be. I don’t curse anymore, or drink like I used to.

It’s funny but I hardly remember that other person. I had been saved and changed and reborn. I think the term regenerated is more like it. I am not the person I used to be, I am so much more.

Like Saul I had a radical change. I knew all the right things I was supposed to be but I had them tainted by the darkness. I’m freer than I have ever been in my life. I’m clean and clear in mind, heart, body and soul. Hopefully, God willing I am a better person now. I look forward to being an even better person.

I want my joy, my change in me to show outwardly not just inwardly. I have some physical issues I deal with that slow down that smile I have inside bursting to come out. But I still have my spontaneous laughter. Sometimes I just crack myself up.

I have many people that pray for me and I also pray for them. The difference it makes in our lives is noticeable. My non Christian friends and some of my family members talk of God now more often, and not in jest. Others are beginning to soften. That’s a good thing because this is a very hard world we live an and we need to be each others friend(neighbor).

We really need to stop being so selfish because we put up walls all around us and in doing so no one can come in or go out. So who is the prisoner? The walls are also around your heart, start slowly, allow yourself to be led by the Lord. Just say over and over, Let go and Let God. It will happen, curses and bondage’s will be broken, some take longer than others. Be persistent, learn everything you can to better yourself the REAL way. From the Good Book, the Bible.

If I need to make a decision nowadays I just ask my Abba Father to help me out. It gets easier each time. I am a child of God why wouldn’t He want to help me. He loves me no matter what. Do I have to learn to behave? Yes I do. I need to stop being sinful and disobedient. Is sin fun? Yes for a short time but you always have to pay the piper (Satan). Just quit acting out and get on with your real life, in Christ. Let go and let God. I am Blessed I am chosen, I am BORN AGAIN!

What about you? Are you free to choose?

 

Here’s a P.S:

I went to an Intensive Weekend in Orlando a few years ago. My very first one. I went with my eyes and my heart open. During one of the services I had a person speak prophetically to me. My eyes were closed in prayer so I didn’t know who she was.

Part of what I was told was that the Savior on the White horse was coming for me. Being silly and skeptical I made the crack about the Ajax what knight coming for me. I thought Jesus was coming to kill me. I didn’t understand what other things she was saying, it was very late so I went upstairs to my hotel room. My roommate wasn’t there yet.

I tossed my Bible on my bed and it slid off and fell pages down opened on the floor. I looked at it for a moment and said out loud, ‘God if there’s something you want me to see let me see it’. I had an odd feeling  as I picked the Bible up carefully from the floor. I searched the two pages for anything that might be meant for me. There it was in the lower left hand corner, 

Revelation 19:11-16English Standard Version (ESV)

The Rider on a White Horse

11 Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. 12 His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. 13 He is clothed in a robe dipped in[a] blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. 14 And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. 15 From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule[b] them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty.16 On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

The next morning I sought out an explanation because I was becoming fearful of the prophecy spoken over me. Once it was explained to me I told the leader what I thought. She laughed and said it meant that Jesus WANTS me, He was seeking me. He wanted to be more in my life because He loved me. I was chosen.

There was my knight on the White Horse. I am forever thankful and I began a wonderfully fulfilling journey with a brand new life.

Blessings,

Mary

 

 

 

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I have been wondering for such a long time now about love. Will I love again? Can I love again? May I love again, that’s the important one to know. Having been through so many different types of relationships in my life I wonder if I have this void, this lack of something I can’t quite put my hands on. Something that isn’t really describable it’s almost imperceptible.

I feel like I lost the “knack” of love. Sure I love flowers, my favorite candy or soft drink, the weather and my family and friends. Somehow though the “feeling” of love is not quite there. Is it because I am so much older now and I have withered away inside and outside? Omigosh I hope not. I watch other couples young and old and just gaze and sigh, how nice they’re still holding hands or geeze those couples should be nicer to each other.

Have I become more of a skeptic after three failed marriages and a few failed relationships. Will I ever have that “in love” feeling again? My children have a vague way of showing love. I guess just having me around them is their way of demonstrating love. Forget about my grandchildren, as teenagers I guess they have no concept of real love yet. I do have loving friends though and my sisters show love the best way they can. Love is a delicate subject. Some people show love, some know love and a few experience real deep down everlasting love. That’s the kind of love I always wanted to feel. Deep down love.

Lately I’ve started thinking about how would it be if I were in a relationship again with a man. Especially after knowing what I know now. I have been told by a Bible teacher friend that God is getting someone ready for me just like He’s getting me ready for someone else. It’s been a long wait. I know that the Apostle Paul says that God favors single women because they pray and worship God more often. A married woman first devotes herself to her spouse and children. God gets more attention from single people. I suppose that’s very true because I do pray and talk with God a lot more.

I used to think that I ran all out of love because I had messed up relationships. It wasn’t all the man’s fault either. I had no self respect or self worth so I entered dysfunctional relationships with a dysfunctional life history. Of course more often than not the man was the same way. Even if he wasn’t we didn’t stand a chance.

I didn’t know real love until I knew Jesus. I couldn’t even receive worldly love until I knew Jesus. I was like a door partially opened. I knew of God but whenever He got closer to me the door I felt that the door closed more and more and I was the one who was inadvertently closing it. By living an unhealthy and unclean lifestyle.

It wasn’t until HE opened the door for ME that I began to feel real love. Every day I am witness to more and more of God’s love for me. Real love of my Father, Abba Father. If worldly love enters my life again I think I might be ready for it now but I’m not giving up my Abba Father love. He has shown me what it means to be loved, to have someone sacrifice themselves for me, to have someone step up and guide me and teach me who I really am.

I am someone who is loved by God Almighty Himself.

For that I am so very thankful and Blessed.

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Another year is upon us, and we’re beginning to plow through it. Why does it always have to be so hectic at the end of each year? It’s supposed to be a time of family, love and retrospect into our lives. Not the rush- rush we all manage to get into. Don’t let the media and the retail stores dictate to you on how to run your lives.

Believe it or not we are all here for a reason. We belong here we just didn’t crawl out from under some rock. Learn where you came from and under whose authority you really live.

Take back the time that is micro managed by the events that are money driven. There are forces of unseen or unknown to some of us working behind the scenes of our everyday lives to change, corrupt, disrupt and manipulate us into being molded into something we really don’t want to be, to do or to go in a dictated direction. You know, for our own good. Or the good of the people around us.

Breathe, just breathe. Breathing helps, it gives us time to slow down. Smell the roses and all that. That’s right, slowly inhale with your eyes lightly closed, a nice even breath. There you go, doing it already, it might take a little practice. Most of us are not used to stopping even for a minute or two to be conscious of our breathing.

We become programmed to be part of a big collective. We don’t even know it. Hurry hurry, rush here and there so we can rush back to where? Oh yes, back to the start, home base. Just keep going and doing so you don’t or can’t pay attention to what’s important. Everyone becomes exhausted and edgy and not knowing why.We can easily lose ourselves in what society or others want.

Keep your family really close, no matter what relationship you have. Deal with it, work it out, fix it, forgive, forgive, forgive. Ask to be forgiven. Believe in Love. Believe you are worthy, everything’s a risk, a chance to begin again. Like Springtime being a renewal of the Earth.

It’s refreshing, being forgiven, or forgiving someone. It’s like being in Love again for the first time. You see them differently and feel differently about yourself.

Take charge of your life, it’s something that was given to you as a gift. Picture yourself holding this beautiful present, wrapped so lovely, it looks wonderful and so mysterious with a great big bow on it. You open it so very slowly with much anticipation and excitement for the future. You pull the ribbons of the bow with ease so as not to knot the bow.

The ribbons fall slowly to the ground and you lift the lid to see inside. Breathing in  deeply the warm and relaxing aromas of Spring inside this gift. Such enlightenment much Joy. The happiness of being given this precious and very expensive gift.

God gave us this gift. The gift of life. Open with exhilaration, gladness, and anticipation for the next gifts to come. Welcome Him. He wants us to take time for Him, not to rush around so much that we forget to  have enough time for Him.

If you can just believe that all He wants is to take care of you and yours the change in your lives will become remarkable. It’s all about Love and Forgiveness. It’s all about Him. Just believe and breathe. Blessings, Mary

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 Every day when I wake up I wonder ” what’s going to happen today? Can I handle it, am I strong enough?” I always think about how strong I need to be. I never say first thing, “my God is strong enough”.

When I converted to Born again Christian I learned a great deal about disobedience vs independence. Beforehand I thought that it was great to be independent, I boasted of it. The men I knew in my lifetime always wanted an independent woman. I thought I was just as capable of taking care of myself as any one else. I would see other women being taking care of by their husband or boyfriend and I felt a lacking, I didn’t trust anyone to take care of me. I am a product of a cold hearted, bare bones  upbringing. I grew up strong, tough, independent, capable and not trusting anyone. I was also  hurting deep inside. I covered it up with years of more pain, hurt and lack. It was quite a mud pack of junk piled up on me. It wasn’t until I was in yet another failed marriage that I realized what being independent really meant. It meant being absent from the Father.

My former husband didn’t want to worry or think about me when he wasn’t around. He KNEW I would manage, take care of the house, yard, chores whatever needed to be done and still have dinner for him. When we fought I would tell him I didn’t need him I was able to take care of myself. I was proud of the fact. In time we broke and a small part of it was for that reason.Since I was so independent it left him time to have a relationship outside of our marriage. At the time of course I had no idea. All the other reasons for us breaking up were becoming more apparent. I still remained self sufficient or so I thought.

The eventuality of it all was that I learned that independence is a sin. It is DISOBEDIENCE to our Abba Father, God Almighty. We need to be dependent on The Father. He wants to be our father, to protect us, feed and  clothe us, comfort and provide for us. When we are independent we are saying “I can do all these things by myself I don’t need you”. But on the inside we want a father. Someone to do just that. Yet I pushed Him away, I thought I was capable. I thought I was being so strong.

In reality I was causing Him pain. I never thought I was disobedient in that sense. I thought of how good I was. How strong I was. I discovered it was a ruse, a trap, a deadly sin. When I didn’t trust the Father to take care of me and comfort me I was saying ‘I don’t need you God, I can do it ALL myself’. The reality is I can’t do anything by myself. The sin of disobedience brought Pride, Envy, Lust,and Greed just to name a few other sins and bondage spirits. I was in bondage.Me the independent one, was in bondage. I was proud and boasting and running amuck in the world. Thinking I was doing well lying and blindsiding myself. I was strong and tough enough to handle anything that came my way. It was I, I, I, all the way. Pushing my strength and my ‘ I’m  tough I can handle it attitude’ on everything and every body.

I lost a great deal from behaving,believing and living a life like that. I tried to be strong at work, home with friends and family. It was  getting more difficult trying to be strong, trying to do it myself. I was using up so much energy and time trying, pushing, pulling, dodging and starting to feel the weight bearing down on me. Letting go of it would have been much easier to do.

It wasn’t easy to accept the fact that independence is a sin. A simple thing with a really big consequence. Sin, a small word with Hell for a consequence. So I  learn more each day to try to lighten up. Let my Abba Father take care of me. To trust Him and not myself. I’m not there yet, not completely anyway but I’m getting closer. It’s not easy giving up oneself to trust an unseen all knowing God. But I’m working on it and my life is showing an improvement. It’s been slow going at times when it’s a human being checking the calendar waiting for time to click by and eventually arriving  where I wanted to be. It’s definitely worth the wait.

Let go and let God, I heartily  recommend it.

Blessings,

Mary

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When I first heard of  Isaac Newton  I really admired him. Such a remarkable man. Many achievements. His theories of motion really stuck with me throughout my life. Imagine being around when when he was just walking around, managing his own life and studies. Such a great thinker and philosopher. He rose above the average man but yet was also just an average man.He was among some of the world’s  early intellectuals that molded our future from their own consequences.

 Newton  discovered the third law of gravity which was, according to Wikipedia “The third law states that all forces exist in pairs: if one object A exerts a force FA on a second object B, then B simultaneously exerts a force FB onA, and the two forces are equal and opposite: FA = −FB. 

It sounds complicated doesn’t it. The third law means that all forces are  between different bodies, and thus that there is no such thing as a unidirectional force or a force that acts on only one body. This law is sometimes referred to as the action-reaction law, with FA called the “action” and FB the “reaction”. The action and the reaction are simultaneous, and it does not matter which is called the action and which is called reaction; both forces are part of a single interaction, and neither force exists without the other. 

When applying that to our own lives we often think of consequences. It’s all about consequences. Every action has an opposite and equal reaction right? That applies to us also. When we are supposed to do something or NOT supposed to do something there is always a reaction to our action. Whether it’s a good or bad reaction depends on the action we were supposed to take in the first place. When we are try ing to decide what to do, if it’s a good or positive feeling we get from making the decision then the result will more than likely be a good response or reaction. On the other hand, if we are unsure, doubting, not trusting our gut instincts (aka Holy Spirit) then more than likely the response will have darker consequences.

In my lifetime I have had to make many decision. They often were troubled choices wuth negative results. It was before I became a Born again Christian. My life was troubled quite often. Since I didn”t have good role models and had to figure things out on my own I made many mistakes. The result/reaction of poor decision making. I remember being so confused at times as to which way to go. I often asked God for help and felt myself floundering in a very dangerous world. I so wanted to be out of those circumstances. Grueling consequences which were reactions to my actions. Whether it was a verbal discussion, choice of friends, what kind of job, what should I do, blah blah blah it was more confusing and getting darker for me all the time,

Sinking lower into despair and getting desperate. Praying all the time, hurting, begging God for help and direction, and all there was was quiet and the fear. I was in a pit of desperate times and going nowhere fast. The emotional pain was awful, hard to endure.  My family wasn’t speaking to me, I had no one that understood or was willing to help or even just listen to me.There was a time I self medicated just to take the heaviness off my shoulders and heart even for a brief time. I drank and partied for a short time in my life. A very brief reprieve. It was just enough of a backslide into the dwelling place of the pitiful and downtrodden to get me to see that it wasn’t the place for me to be or my children. Trying so hard to take care of my two children when I had no real choices in our lifestyles.We were a welfare family. Having to make ends meet on the stipend we were getting. Welfare told me that since I had court orders for support against the children’s fathers that meant I was getting money even though I wasn’t getting anything from them at all.

I made one decision at a time to correct the heavy drama that was my life and slowly things lightened up. I’m not saying it happened overnight but it did happen. I was getting better and stronger. With each new decision I learned to look down the road for the consequences of the every single decision I was making. If I thought it was an iffy decision I would just take a stand, make a decision and live with my choice. Future consequences.

That brings me to the now. “Back in the day” as many of us call our past, I had made decisions that included not so savvy choices but I had to make them. At that time it was all I could do. I knew in my future I would have to face up to and deal with the consequences of those iffy choices. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to be back in NY near my family. To rebuild our relationships.

Just like my building and having a relationship with Jesus I also have to do it with my family. They didn’t know about my Newton theory kind of life I had to lead. I think Jesus wanted me to see what kind of a person I was made of. How I could endure, struggle through, fight with and come out a better person. A person that is able to use my life experiences to teach and help others. Someone that understands the pain of consequences.

Are you sure you are tough enough? How much pain can you handle? What about the change that comes with crawling out of the pit of despair and into the light of Jesus Christ? Do you have the strength for that? Believe me, I’m no martyr but I am sure glad I came out on the winning side. I chose Jesus and haven’t looked back thinking that I made a wrong choice, I know I made the right one. In my heart of hearts I can feel it.  As Pastor Estell Keshock  would tell us all the time in SOS group, “Pick an H, Heaven or Hell” I picked Heaven. Which H are you picking?

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It seems we take so much for granted. As we get older we just figure that’s the way it is or it ought to be. I am so thankful when I wake up each morning. And hopeful that the day offers me enough time to continue making myself a better person. Extra time for forgiveness and to be forgiven. Time for healing inside and out. Time to know joy and redemption and time to be a blessing and not a burden to others. I see the beauty in trees, animals, the sky above and this earth we walk on. The bugs, the wind,and all the things that man thinks he has made. In reality God made it all. This is Gods green earth not ours. But I digress.

When I go about my day and  I find that I have a need for something, more food, another pair of shoes, a coat, things around the house or car I stop and talk to God about it. After all He is my Abba Father.

“God I know you know everything from beginning to end, and I know you know all my needs. I’m just reminding you God, my Abba Father because I know how busy you are with  other peoples needs and I’m sure they are much bigger than mine. But God I sure can use …. or ….” .  Whatever I ask for out of a TRUE need I receive. It’s about faith and trust that He will provide ALL my needs. I just have to open my eyes and I’ll see it. Oh, and I also need to accept the way the help or assistance comes.

As an example, I was putting on a pair of shoes that I had owned for about five years. I noticed the increased wear and tear and knew that I was going to need another pair. I usually try to get more than one pair whenever I do buy shoes or sneakers so if the one pair was worsening so were the others I use. Because I alternate their use. I can’t afford high end anything so whenever I get the opportunity I go to Walmart or some inexpensive store and buy a few  pairs because they are cheap, and I really dislike shoe shopping. I was just talking to God about the need for another pair of shoes. I didn’t think anymore about it. I didn’t have the money at the time anyway and like I said previously, I really do not like shoe shopping.

 I had received  a final check for being out on a medical leave. I was almost on empty in my car. After getting gas I had a few extra dollars left. That check I received was not expected, I’m very grateful. I was due to go to work the following week.

 I was driving past a shopping center when I suddenly decided to check out the new Goodwill donation thrift store that had opened up.

It was a snowy post blizzard day so the parking lot was empty. Going into the store and browsing around I noticed the shoe rack. On the shoe rack I found three pairs of well made brand new leather shoes in my size. Two pair were the same style, different colors and the third was a beautiful pair of tasseled leather loafers. I was absolutely amazed. I checked the prices with the clerk and the three pairs of shoes came to less than forty dollars. I had about forty three dollars left. The clerk asked me if I had the senior discount  key tag. “Let me check” I said. Sure enough not only did I get a discount for being a senior but also because of the day of the week I received another discount. Awesomeness!  God heard me He knew I needed shoes for when I returned to work. And He supplied my need. 

Since I am not particularly fussy about brand name, brand new off the shelf items or the latest fad the blessings were more discreet, on the quiet side you might say. At first I hardly noticed them.  God is such a gentleman. it dawned on me that most people would call them wishes or just plain luck. Not me, I know it’s God.

I like thrift stores, antiques, second hand items. To me they have a comfort-ability about them and sometimes it’s a great treasure hunt. Don’t get me wrong I like new things too but I don’t mind receiving used items. I try to take care of the things I own. Some things last me years. One day while going through an old photo album I saw a picture of myself in a shirt that I still owned. It was still in great shape too, no color fade or stretching out. I just cracked up laughing. I had to donate that shirt. It was a Disney shirt, baseball style. So comfortable and soft. Also about 15 years old. It was on clearance at the Disney store at Disney World in Orlando Florida when I went there to meet up with one of my sisters. I’m quite the saver. I remembered one of my good friends commented that she wanted the shirt when I was ready to give it up. So I finally, (big sigh) mailed it to her. She was very happy to receive it.

One night I was going through my pajama draw to get ready for bed. I looked at what I had and was thinking ‘ Geez Louise Mary, you’ve got to do something about your pajamas’. I love tee shirts and fleece or flannel pants and I was out looking in the discount stores to price them so I would have an idea of the cost. Making mental notes to self I just put the thoughts out of my head until I had been paid from my job after I returned to work.

A good friend of mine  often gives me donated items and clothes. She often tells me to take something if I need it for myself. and she often gives me bagfuls to bring with me when I go to the different places that I volunteer for. I usually separate the items into appropriate bags for their destinations.  Going through the bags I found a couple of pairs of pajamas. Very similar to what I was needing. I took them out and added the same amount of items from my own clothes to the bags. I have a personal policy that if I bring something into my home something else leaves. Helps keep clutter down. That’s on top of other things I donate.

So here I was looking at these pajamas and praising God for provision. I also thanked my friend, for her good works. God is an awesome God working through people, places and things.

I’m so glad my eyes are open to see so that upon seeing I am receiving. What a great feeling it is. The blessings are  all around us we just have to open our eyes. The blessing of a beautiful day, a child being born, the smile of a child, a field of flowers, a forest of trees If you need to learn how just call on Jesus, take a long deep breath, open your eyes and breathe out slowly. It’s all right there in front of you, now receive it.

Blessings to all, 

Mary

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Today after listening to my favorite  television Bible teachers  this question came into my mind, “How many times do you have to lose everything before you figure it all out? Just what is it going to take? How high is your tolerance for pain, your blindness, your denial or your stubbornness?

I know in the past mine was pretty high, actually it was extremely high. I could handle anything. I could take care of it myself. I have a plan for my life. I can see clearly my goals and aspirations. I am independent and I don’t need anyone to help me. I can do it myself.

Get my point yet? I was cruising along struggling to get by, taking care of my house, yard, truck, health, faith, and it took awhile.  I thought I had it all figured out, independent and determined to succeed. “I” had no idea that “I” was not in control of my destiny.

It was all “I”, “I”, “I”, see where this is going? Like Humpty Dumpty “I” was getting ready for a great fall.

 In retrospect there was no way of knowing that God was going to intercede in my life in a grand way. Having mentioned this in previous blogs, about my losing everything, house, independence, my goals and aspirations and basically whom “I” was at the time, I am now a new person. Actually I lose myself everyday. Then with the new day I become a new person, and that happens everyday.

I often give things away that were given to me to pass on to others. I have seen God work through me and in the other people that are now part of my life.  Always being a giving person offering to help others I found that to be my ministry of sorts.

Actually I’m not even positive it’s a ministry for me. It just really happened, it became something I do often. God made me good at scrounging around for myself since money and food were in short supply. So I became better at what I was always good at.When I think of all “I” have been through and the exciting paths that are before me now, I have anticipation for the new adventures.

Starting over for me before I found Christ was always something difficult, a chore, looking for food, shelter, jobs and new friends. Now since I don’t have to worry about that at all, it has increased my blessings. Increased them so much that I have an over abundance to share with others. Before it was about me, myself and I. How was I going to make it? Can I get a job? What about a place to live? And food? Sure, I still get desires for worldly goods. Recently I was beginning to be concerned about getting new pants for work. I had to stop myself from thinking over and over how was I going to get them. New clothes are not in my budget at all I remember saying to myself, “o.k, enough of that, God will take care of me, God IS taking care of me, it’ll be alright”. That same day, a woman friend I volunteer with at the Monday Soup Kitchen came to me with a clothes hanger covered in dry cleaner plastic and said to me, “Mary these are three brand new pairs of pants do you want them? Wow, blew me away. God that was quick. Isn’t He awesome?

Don’t get me wrong, I have a great place to live, a full refrigerator and freezer. BUT GOD did that for me. I don’t struggle now like I did before I found Jesus. I used to really worry about how I was going to make it. I lost everything in my life a few times and had to start over. When I look back at my life I can see that I did make it after all. He found me. He saved me. It’s probably hard for the non believer to accept but once they do, it’s an awesome experience. I am free.

Now that Jesus is in control and taking care of me, there’s nothing for me to worry about. Because if I make it all about Him there’s nothing ever to worry about.

Thank you Jesus for finding me a lost sheep. thank you Jesus for forgiving me. Thank you Jesus for dying on the Cross and taking on the sins of the world.

 

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These  four little words are so profound. So deep. So thought provoking and even disturbing.

What have I become?

I even have difficulty writing about it. I have been so many things. Child, sister, mother, wife, friend, co worker, neighbor, statistic. I looked up the definitions of  “I, Have and Become” Posted below.

“I”:

I  is the first-person singular nominative case personal pronoun in Modern English. It is used to refer to one’s self and is capitalized, although other pronouns, such as he or she, are not capitalized.

“Have”:

1have verb \ˈhav, (h)əv, v; in “have to” meaning “must” usually ˈhaf\
had hav·ing has

1
a : to hold or maintain as a possession, privilege, or entitlement  <I have my rights>
b : to hold in one’s use, service, regard, or at one’s disposal
c : to hold, include, or contain as a part or whole
2
: to feel obligation in regard to
3
: to stand in a certain relationship to
4
a : to acquire or get possession of : obtain <these shoes are the best to be had>
b : receive <had news>
c : accept; specifically : to accept in marriage,

 

“BECOME”:

be·come verb \bi-ˈkəm, bē-\
: to begin to be or come to be something specified : to begin to have a specified quality

: to look attractive on (someone) : to be flattering to (someone)

1
a : to come into existence
b : to come to be <become sick>
2
: to undergo change or development
: to be suitable to
— become of
: to happen to

 

We get accustomed to using words loosely. We take them for granted the power in words and behind them. There were so many things “I had to have”, “had to become”, and the things I “became”. I struggled and fought for it all. To be, to become like everyone else. I was so ignorant, and wrong, I was fooled into believing I needed to become what others wanted me to become. To become what I thought I should become. Jesus taught me to put away that thinking. To trust the Holy Spirit, not the body, mind or world.

I was all those things mentioned and more. Those were were only the good words, the ones everyone is used to hearing. They say a lot but then again much is left out. When I was a child I did childish immature things, as a sister I was the one to do most of the work because I was the eldest. Taking on the inexperience and lack of love from parents I struggled to love and care for my siblings. As a wife I loved and  tolerated much. As a friend I loved and extended myself outward to others, giving the honest me. As a co worker I loved my jobs even though I didn’t want to. I offered my friendship honestly at work and outside of work. As a neighbor, I tried loving them, mostly if my friendship and outstretched hand was rejected I pulled back. I kept to myself. Always willing to help but hesitating, watching and waiting.I was and I am a statistic. That’s the way the world looks at me. Born, living, dead, tracked though out life, a statistic (that will be another story)

But there’s more:

I was a sinner also. I went my way listening to everything, watching everything, hearing and learning about how I should live in this world. What society expects of me. How I “should” do this or “must ” do that.

My thinking started out pure, clean and open, wanting to learn, to be part of, to do the right thing. Doing what others do, liking what they like, eating and drinking the same foodstuffs.

Geez Louise. “what have I become”? I cry whenever I think about it. I’m older now and so much time has gone by. I think, if only I knew then what I should look for, look up to, live for, believe in, if only I knew.

I was saved almost five years ago. I have been fast tracking as a Christian. I’m so hungry for the Lord. Knowing how much time is behind me and not knowing the time in front of me I want to BECOME more Christ like . Learn my lessons quickly, force Satan out of my life, my memories, my everything. Push onward, be a blessing, give blessings. Make myself conform to the right thing. Yes it’s hard and painful, I still hurt and cry and carry on.

I ask the Lord, “Why did it take so long for me to find you”? He reminds me that I needed all those lessons to BECOME what He wants me to become.

He saved me for the time which is now. I am a Warrior Bride for Christ.

 Thank you Jesus. Praise Him Always.

What have YOU Become?

 

 

 

 

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It’s not my job, I didn’t do it! So what!  When speaking with some people regarding litter/trash along the roads that’s some of the words I have heard, among others. Attitudes regarding polluting God’s Earth, the beautiful home he gave us to live on, planet Earth. How dare we desecrate it.

The beauty of the land, waters and sky is just too much to all take in and describe with the reverence it deserves. We are so fortunate and so often it’s taken for granted.

I walk my dog every day along the road and then I go under the high tension wires near my house. Walking under the wires there’s an open grassy area that keeps my dog and I safe from the road traffic. There are also scrub trees and overgrown bushes and weeds along the sides of the utility property. It is fenced and does have plenty of poison ivy growing under the overgrown bushes. It’s not a bad place. I’ve seen stray cats, squirrels, field mice and rabbits. It’s sort of a little sanctuary for the animals. Occasionally the utility company comes and mows the tall grass and clears the weeds and vines from the mini power station. My dog and I love it, except when the local neighbors dump their yard trash there.

It’s bad enough that the roads are littered. People throwing garbage out the car windows because they don’t want to mess up their car, overturned garbage cans not completely cleaned up,  and pedestrians throwing their trash on the ground because they don’t want to carry it to a garbage can. So I have decided to be bold, to take the initiative to show that one person can make a difference.

I’m taking back my neighborhood. I’m making sure the entrances to the power line areas stay closed to the public (as much as I can), and I’m bending down and picking up the trash. I carry an extra plastic bag with me so I can do that. I do it in front of drivers, pedestrians and neighbors. I don’t care how I look doing that or who I do it in front of.

Hopefully the neighbors will get on board and be bold and not let anyone dirty their community. After all we live here, we need to protect our neighborhood, we need to look out for each other and our environment. Just because a lot of people here recycle, it’s not enough.

Be bold people! Bend down pick it up, speak up, take notice,take action, make your space and your neighborhood a pleasant place to be in.You too can make a difference.

By Merrian Webster definition;

gar·bage

noun \ˈgär-bij\

: things that are no longer useful or wanted and that have been thrown out

: a container where people put things that are being thrown out

: something that is worthless, unimportant, or of poor quality

According to Wikipedia:

Litter: consists of waste products that have been disposed improperly, without consent, at an inappropriate location:Trash may refer to: In garbage: Municipal solid waste, unwanted or undesired waste material; Litter

Trash may refer to: In garbage: Municipal solid waste, unwanted or undesired waste material; Litter

I think if I’m able to  I’ll use my old flower and vegetable seeds and sow them into the bush area and along side of the roads next spring so the animals, and maybe some people too, can appreciate the flowers and vegetables that just might happen to “show up” there.

 

 

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I am so sorry for the long gap in posting. I had many things going on. Working, packing to move, going to church, bible study, volunteering, brief social visits, doctor visits, well you get the picture. I was busy. Too busy, something I really don’t like to be anymore. I promised myself that since I moved back to New York from Florida I would not let myself get stressed and pressed. It almost happened, praise the Lord I think I caught it in time.

Then after I moved, I thought “aha” I’ve got a better handle on it and voila! It happened again. Since I was closer to work but further from the places I volunteered at and worshiped at, I had to adjust my schedule, and my gas allowance. I also see more doctors now. You have got to know that it’s just the way it is, as we get older that’s what happens. Wear and tear. All the times when we should have been taking care of ourselves were spent in postponement of self obligation. Either we thought getting old was never going to happen to us, we didn’t have the money or insurance, the transportation to and from, the doctor always gets me upset mindset, or being too proud to go to the doctors for only God knows why, we still need to do our routine maintenance and checkups. I have always tried to the best of my ability to take care of myself. Oh, I wasn’t  an athlete or superstar just a regular hard working person. I finally got medical insurance so now I can work on my physical self.

But my emotional self obviously needed more work. I did have a problem with rewarding myself for things well done. Whether it was a job well done, an accomplishment of a long term/short term goal, a friend in town or socializing with my friends kind of reward, it was a food reward. Years ago, I punished myself with food, I thought I was ugly, not good enough, always apologizing for something I had no control over, or my inability to deal with my life circumstances. My life was difficult in the past, praise the Lord that’s all behind me now.

When I realized that I hid behind food, that I punished myself with food, I was comforted by food, and that I had used food like many people use alcohol or drugs. I had an awakening. I thought I had it all figured out. But now for the flip side, I reward myself. Instead of telling myself, that the extra lunch money can go into an account I allowed myself to be blindsided and lost control. Going out to eat used to be part of my entertainment too. I would go out to eat and then the movies. Normal right? Except at the movies I had a large buttered popcorn, no drink or candy usually. Just water.

Geez Louise! I thought about this today as I sat at my favorite Chinese Restaurant, a buffet restaurant. Getting my usual two plates, one with meat and veggies the other with fish and seafood, I sat down to eat. Quietly by myself which is the norm for me since I left Florida. Sure I go out once in a while with my good friends but when they’re not around I take myself out.

While sitting there, eating, drinking my hot tea, watching others, I noticed most people, not all the people but most of them are obese. Now I’m overweight, not enough to require surgical intervention but I couldn’t help wondering about the sin of Gluttony. I have also noticed this at my chiropractors office. Most people that come in are overweight and out of shape out of shape. Interesting terminology, “out of shape”. As if we take on a new form, a disfigured self. I noticed that about myself. I looked bloated and puffy, my skin felt different, my body ached more.

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary it’s:

Excessive eating or drinking, excessive overindulgence        

According to velocity.net (Ed Tarkowski) : 

It is a result of lawlessness where gluttony, rebellion, disobedience and the like just walk in and take over. Gluttony contributes to lawlessness because gluttony is excess, and that excess indulges the self and leads to a lack of self-control. The time or activity that one spends glutting himself takes away time from other things, and brings forth a life of irresponsibility. In order to justify the time spent on whatever consumes him, the glutton can’t be wrong because that might infringe on the freedom to do what he wants. Therefore, when things go awry, everyone else is responsible for the problems. The glutton has to fill himself with what he wants to do to satisfy self, and this is usually done at the expense of others. http://www.velocity.net/~edju70/1deadly.htm

Well, THAT was an eye opener. I’ve been working on my humility and disobedience and low and behold I read this. Yep, it’s true for me, what about you? How about this one?

The chief error about Gluttony is to think it only pertains to food. Some people can’t have enough toys, television, entertainment, sex, or company. It is about an excess of anything. There are at least three forms of Gluttony:

  1. Wanting more pleasure from something than it was made for.
  2. Wanting it exactly our way (delicacy).
  3. Demanding too much from people (excessive desire for other people’s time or presence)    http://www.holyspiritinteractive.net/features/thesevendeadlysins/gluttony.asp

Geez Louise, I had no idea. I need to reel myself in and ask God to help me on this one. It’s more involved than just overeating and spoiling myself. I surely don’t want to be disobedient or stalk anyone. I’m trusting God and having more faith. I need strength, His strength. Help me Father.

 This sin is insidious, I need to pay more attention. There are many twists and turns on the way to Heavens gate. Thank you Jesus for opening my eyes once again.

Here’s some more resources on one of the Seven Deadly Sins:

The Holy Bible

http://www.holyspiritinteractive.net/features/thesevendeadlysins/gluttony.asp

http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Bible-Verses-About-Gluttony/

http://www.upworthy.com/7-deadly-sins-map-how-does-your-state-stack-up

 

 

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