Category: personal testimony


Priest to Priest

Again, I am so excited to share with you my personal encounters, private moments with Jesus Christ.  I speak a release of the holy presence, the weighty holy presence of the Living God into you in Jesus’ name.

My heart’s longing has been this one thing, to stand before the throne of the Living God and minister unto Him, to minister His Presence, every moment, of every day, of every year, for eternity.  There is nothing that means anything to me outside of being in His Presence.  I have often said I am like the ark of the covenant, a carrier of the Presence of the Living God.  He lives in me.  I feel Him burning inside of me, I feel His flames of fire physically moving, burning, glowing deep inside the center of me.  This is my truth, this is who I truly am inside of me. If I were alive in the Old Testament, I would be a Levite assigned as a priest to minister unto Him.  Nothing moves me the way seeing me alone, in the silence of the Tabernacle, burning incense unto the Living God possibly ever could.  The honor of entering the Holy of Holies on behalf of His people Israel renders me speechless.  To move in the silent holy thick weighty atmosphere of the Presence of God, every cell in my being comes alive. I was born for this very purpose, Him.

One moment as I was lost in worship, soaking in the presence of the Lord, I entered into this solitary place, a place of complete privacy and isolation from anyone or anything.  It is a place of total hiddenness.  As I close my eyes, my spirit enters this place of holiness, even now as I return there at this moment.

The atmosphere in this place is holy.  The silence itself is holy, even the holiness is holy.  It is so beautiful.  I knew inside of me then and now that this was and is the Holy of Holies, a place of all encompassing intimacy and holiness, just Him, just me, and no one else.

Holy Spirit please help me describe this.  As I entered this place, the High Priest of our confession appeared before me dressed in his priestly attire.  Wow, my spirit man is pulling on the anointing, I can feel myself inside drawing on Him, I’m so desperate for You Lord.  Jesus, the precious High Priest of our confession stood there, looking at me, so holy, so powerful, so priestly, and He smiled so wide, opened the door or wall area, to let me enter.  He stood to the right side of me and motioned with His right arm for me to enter like a gentleman would welcoming a guest into His home.  This is, after all, His home, “Our home actually,” He just spoke into me.  As I entered in and walked by Him, Jesus smiled wider, His face lit up with happiness that I was with Him.

The floor was made of what looked like pure white marble, alive, shiny, reflective, clean, spotless, the floor itself, the marble itself, was and is holy.  The walls were of a similar material, they too are holy and pure and alive. The room is sparsely decorated.  To the right is a large wall made of what seemed to be a window with long white veils hanging as curtains, the light that emanated in this place was and is holy and alive.  Before the window to the right was a beautiful vanity, with a large mirror encrusted in a golden frame of swirls and designs.  The vanity itself was made of the most beautiful dark blue material or wood, it was solid and it too was and is holy. It looked royal like what one would see in a castle with a matching velvet seat that was long enough to seat two people.

To the left of this place was a large platform made of the same pure white holy marble, it had two steps up.  I do not know what was on the platform and I still do not because my eyes were and are consistently drawn to the golden altar that is just beyond the platform, I see four horns on the corners of the altar.  Up behind the golden altar with the four horns is a large veil hanging from ceiling to floor which is torn in two.  The ark of the covenant is behind the veil, it’s door, open, and it’s inside now empty.

Jesus handed me matching priest garments.  I found myself dressing in the same attire Jesus Christ was wearing.  Jesus was helping me put everything on correctly. He took His time, He was so careful and exact with each garment and item.  I felt tiny next to His majesty, He is so awesome and so kind, gentle, perfectly perfect.  I was so happy, He knew I was happy being with Him.  He said to me once, “I am so happy, I make you happy.”

Jesus placed a fair mitre, with a golden inscription written in it that read, “Holiness to the Lord,” upon my head.  It was a powerful moment for me. Zachariah 3:5 KJV says “And I said, Let them set a fair mitre upon his (meaning Joshua) head. So they set a fair mitre upon his head, and clothed him with garments. And the angel of the Lord stood by.” When He finished helping me dress, I looked like Him and I literally just lost it.  I felt such joy that I physically began to jump up and down and I actually involuntarily did a happy dance, I could not help it and I could not stop myself.  I was rejoicing with pure joy, filled  with happiness, and Jesus was laughing.  He looked so happy that I was happy to be with Him.  It was and is holy.

We then walked over to the golden altar with the four horns, I grabbed one of the horns and stood there reflecting in my heart what the word said about intercession and grabbing the horns of the altar. I recalled the horns being grabbed by those who needed help, like Adonijah in 1 Kings 1:50 KJV.  I felt this need to lay upon the altar at that moment, so I did.  I laid my life upon the altar before the High Priest of my confession in the Holy of Holies.  We prayed and interceded at that altar,  I do not know for how long.

Thereafter, I was standing before Jesus Christ, both of us wearing matching priestly attire in front of the platform.  He turned me around and pulled my back into His chest and He took my hands in His hands, my hands were under His and He extended both of our arms outward to the right and to the left.  Without speaking to me, I heard Him say, “Move with my movements, when I move my right hand up, move your right hand in sync with mine, and when I move my left hand up as holding your hand, move your left arm with mine.”  He repeatedly spoke to me without saying a word to move the way He moves, to imitate only what He does, He and I were so close in proximity that when He moved, I moved.  When He stepped, I stepped, when He leaned far to the right, I leaned far to the right with Him.  He began to move in dance like movements and motion and I leaned against Him, I yielded to His movements, to His motion, and relinquished control.  I relinquished my movements into Him, I let go and leaned all that I am upon His being and He took over the movements of the both of us. He directed each direction, we moved across the floor in that place.  If He turned, I turned, if He lifted His right arm, my right arm lifted with His, if He put His left hand on my left hip, my left hand went to my left hip as we continued to spin slowly, every single movement Jesus Christ made, I made in complete unison with Him.  When He stopped, I stopped.  He did not speak a word yet He spoke instructions into me.  We were one in all that we did, I looked like Him.  I moved just like He moved.  This went on for quite some time.  I never wanted it to end.  We looked amazing! I was watching us from the vanity seat and our movements became so in tune, so smooth. So holy. So silent, each movement choreographed by the Most High. He did not make one move without my mirroring it exactly.  It was powerful to witness.

I do not know how long we moved as one, it was for quite some time.  Eventually, we sat side by side on the vanity seat staring at each other in the mirror.  He is beautiful!! He is the beautiful one in all the earth, in all the heavens, anywhere!!  We both sat up super straight and we looked alike, our reflection in the mirror, we looked alike! We were in matching identical priestly garments!! I had my face, I was me still but I resembled Him, I conformed to His image as I yielded my movements unto Him.  I thought of Romans 8:30 KJV,  “For whom  He did foreknow, He also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He may be the firstborn among many brethren.” I watched that very verse come alive into me as I sat there, seeing my reflection, looking like, resembling, becoming as He is, as I yielded unto Him, conforming to His image.

We both were looking at each other in the mirror before us.  We smiled at the same time and then burst out in laugher together.  We began to be silly together, we made faces in the mirror, we sat back to back, arms crossed, very silly moments were had.  Jesus took photographic portraits of us together.  He did.  I saw them.  He took so many photographic portraits of us as we danced and moved and laughed together.  He said to me that He has photo albums of things we have shared together.  He showed me several portraits of Him and me, of moments we shared. I was so surprised He had them! He told me many of our portraits are hanging all over in the mansion prepared for me!

We then stood up, facing each other, holding each other’s hands in front of us, in holy silence, looking into each other’s eyes.  I stood there facing Jesus, the One I adore, knowing inside at that precise moment, we were standing before each other,

Priest-to-Priest.

1 Peter 2:8 KJV, “But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth His praises of Him who hath called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.”

Reblogged from: http://dtmchurch.com/priest-to-priest/

Author Kari Bidyk
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It’s been quite awhile since my last post. A lot has happened since then. I was not only trying to run my site building business but I was also trying to find work  for myself. It seems I must have thought I wasn’t busy enough. I also had begun taking an online business class to improve my business acumen.

Pushing myself physically and mentally to get ahead. All the while doing it with an old back injury. Pushing past it by telling myself  ‘everyone has aches and pains, put on your big girl panties and deal with it’. I was not taking into account something out of the blue taking me out of commission.

Working with a back handicap and then having to have spinal fusion due to Spinal Stenosis was a new learning experience for me. I told myself it was ‘only arthritis’, but it was a lot more than that, it’s the narrowing of the spinal canal.

The doctor said 3-6 months for healing. I didn’t want to hear it and I told the doctor just that. I wanted to put a rush on it.I wanted my life back.

I exacerbated my pain symptoms once and believe me I learned my lesson. Listen to the doctor. I’m now at the 3 month mark and feel great. I look forward to the 6 month mark. Why am I writing all this? Because I didn’t plan on any of it. Everything got a little behind. Sure I caught up right away but I really don’t like to lose sight of my goals.

I also was losing sight of God when all this started. The pain was intense and unbearable it had me thinking of “I wanted” this and that. Because the pain was so constant and present I couldn’t focus or think of anything; I couldn’t even pray. That really worried me.

I wondered where was God when I was so blinded by my physical pain. I felt as if I was in a white abyss unable to clear my mind and cry out to God. I felt vulnerable and alone. Very slowly I began to realize that He was always with me, He never left me. Getting me out of the way to allow for more of Him was essential.

 I thank God all the time for His love and protection. Now, I’m back on track, looking to do more and seeking His face, seeking Him always. I am so grateful for His timing. I know I’m going to be better than I was because of Him.

 

 

 

 

Lately I have been filled with self pity and remorse. I try not to be so down but my mind starts filling with sad memories at this time of year and I battle my personal demons. I say personal because they know just how to get to me. Like some terrible old friends that I try to put out of my life but then there they are again.

Trying not to be triggered by certain things doesn’t help. It’s almost as if the enemy knows the back door to my mind and pries it open, flooding it, overwhelming my mind with self doubt and self pity. I begin to doubt my accomplishments,  strengths, direction, abilities, creativity and then my Faith.

I delve deeper into a full blown pity party. Thinking negatively towards myself I begin to think ‘poor me’, ‘no good at anything’, ‘left out of everything. Yep, full blown pity party. It started months ago.

I’ve been job hunting now for quite some time. With every resume sent and not responded to it chipped away at my self esteem, doubt in myself and skills increased. I responded by sending out more resumes, digging my heels in so to speak.

Determined more than ever to get a job. Nothing happened. Thinking it must be because I lack something I signed up for classes while waiting for responses. Nothing happened.

 Having feelings of abandonment (that’s a childhood trigger), I IMAGINE that no one cares. all the while my friends take me to lunch , sometimes dinner, give me gas money for my car, bring me as a guest to their functions, and try to show their love for me and compassion for my situation. My friends are awesome. But, because I can’t seem to let go of this baggage the feelings only increase with every kindness. It’s almost as if I have an echo in my mind that for every kindness towards me I imagine a negative feeling.

I’ve been desperately seeking employment, my Social Security check is not enough and I am also slightly disabled. My life direction lately has actually changed from volunteering in my church’s food pantry to being involved with the disabled community and also with people that also like to  help others. Which is such a wonderful thing and something I am always interested in, helping others.

I have recently been included in two new programs, one for an online  school for the disabled and another for community TV and radio to showcase disabled and local Long Islanders assisting community residents in connecting with and helping others. Perfect, right up my alley so to speak. What a Blessing. It is almost too good to be true but it is. My life direction is changing and it feels strangely wonderful. Except for my baggage that I had carrying around with me. That baggage was beginning to be quite a burden (evil spirits are no fun), I still wallow.

I have been BLESSED by so many people yet I wallow. Why do I wallow? I know now that it’s  IDOL WORSHIP because I focus on myself. Yes, indulging in self pity and self degradation is looking only at yourself. Being selfish so to speak. I thought I was just down on myself but its actually a lot worse than that. I also know now that I’m wallowing in PRIDE because I have difficulty accepting (receiving) from others. I’m usually the one that gives to others, now I have to learn how to  receive. It’s not easy for me, that’s where the Pride comes in. I learned about all these in Bible Study classes, oh yeah, I also learned about the Spirit of the Python, squeezing the life out of me. Thank God that was caught in time.

Having  been riding the fence with TRUST in GOD. Sure, He most definitely provided for me all my life not just these past years, but I needed to also provide for myself. I couldn’t just sit around waiting now could I?

Until early this morning I would have still been wallowing. What changed?

Prayer. Everyday I talk with God and ask for help of some type, like a babbling child. Show me the way God, talk to me God, hey God are you listening? Can’t you see I’m hurting and in trouble here?

Sure He can, I think He just waited until I finished babbling and wallowing.  Thank you Jesus for speaking to me today.

One of the things that changed was a remark I heard from a tele- Evangelist Christmas show. You’d think that since Christmas has been broadcast all around me I would have realized it sooner. That since I’m a Christian I’d have paid much more attention to the meaning of Christmas. Not really.

No, I was too busy wallowing, until this morning. I heard a small voice, the reason is the birth of His Son (my Savior). I thought it was the TV, maybe it doesn’t matter as long as I heard it and remembered the reason we celebrate Christmas.  Not for a tree or a jolly old man in a red suit, or for all the gifts handed back and forth, but because of a very special baby boy being born to a poor young couple in a stable . That couple were living in a wicked harsh world, raw and rough no amenities of any kind.

It was like a breakthrough for me, I can visualize it in my mind as if I was there. Look at all that I have, even if I have nothing there are so many people that are so much worse off than I am. The burden is lifted, I have much gratitude for the opportunities, family, friends and even the problems that I might think I have. I only have to remember that it was because God gave us His Son to go through all that He had to go through to show us the Way back to Him.

I can hear and see His messages to me in other peoples conversations. I see it in the beauty of the sky and the nature around me. I have my Joy and Peace back.

  I’m celebrating the birth of my Savior, the one who found me and forgave me and loves me for who I am, now and forever. The One who saved me from Hell.

Thank you Jesus, I heard one of my favorite Scriptures tonight:

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)

Merry Christmas 

The expression, “Out on a Limb” can mean:

‘In or into a position where one is not joined or supported by anyone else'(Oxforddictionaries.com) or 

 ‘This expression alludes to an animal climbing out on the limb of a tree and then being afraid or unable to retreat’ (freedictionary.com) or

‘they do something they strongly believe in even though it is risky or extreme, and is likely to fail or be criticized by other people’ (Collinsdictionary.com).

Have you every felt like you were able to fit into one of these definitions? I can identify myself with the first and third definition.

Before my conversion to Born again Christian I felt that my bad choices were like the branches of a tree. Extending further and further out and branching off in different directions. Seemingly impossible to return from that precarious perch at the end of all these branches. With each branch putting out smaller branches, some of them were ‘sucker shoots’ or water sprouts. These occurred when the tree is injured.

Imagining myself as part of the tree, with my injuries, wounds and sins I thought getting back to a new life was impossible. I found out that’s a lie from the Devil. I was feeling defeated and an easy mark.

I have literally forced myself into facing my fears, disappointments, expectations, fantasies, doubts, demons and limitations.

Learning about the Spirits have helped me to grow in Christ. Removing the bondage is a hard journey but it’s finally leaving. The Spirit of the Python is much like the vines strangling trees, roots, branches and anything it touches. It chokes the life out of the host. Life leaves, there is not any  vitality or voice to cry out.

I decided to shake the tree.

I decided to trim the tree.

I decided which limb I wanted to go out on if I needed to.

I decided not to dwell on the broken branches.

I decided that a new journey can be an exciting road to be on. As long as I remember who my Abba Father is.

I decided to seek God my own way, to keep His ways, and when I am out on a limb to remember He is there with me even on the most precarious branches. Thank you Jesus.

I decided!

Blessings, Mary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over ten  years ago A very dear friend of mine offered me a consult job. With the condition that I had to buy  a computer and learn all about it for this particular job. That was a great opportunity offered to me but I knew nothing about the computer . Some of my friends and my eldest son were way ahead of me when it came to computers. Shopping for something I knew nothing about was also a challenge. I kept circulars, info sheets, newspaper articles and all sorts of stuff to help me decide which was the best one to buy. I finally decided on one, brought it home and took it out of the boxes. 

Looking at all the parts and reading the directions I finally figured out what plug went where and how to turn it on. Back then we had a dial up connection. Remember dial up and the noises it made?

Once it was up and running, I began reading everything I could about the operations and functions of this machine. I began reaching out for more and more help from the outside. Since my friends and eldest son were much wiser than me about this I called them up constantly for assistance.

One of the things that I had the hardest time with was copy and paste. Trying to picture in my mind what they were telling me over the phone, I wasn’t grasping it. Because of  the dial up connection I couldn’t have the computer on while talking with anyone on the telephone. It was one or the other.

This simple technique of copy and paste was beyond my grasp at the time. I began working on other things keeping this question active in my mind hoping it’ll have some clarity. Waiting for an ‘ah- ha’ moment. It finally came, I was so excited I showed all my other newbie friends how to do it.

Now I copy and paste quite often, it saves me writing down a lot of notes. I noticed I did that with many things. Compartmentalizing them in a file. Thinking of my brain as a giant computer I stored away information until needed. Pulling out a file, opening it copying and pasting the information into my life, closing and saving the file.

One day I was seeking information that I knew since I was a child and found that the information was corrupted. I had bad information stored in my memories. Once I realized that I began to clean up some of my internal belief systems and get some help. I searched all the typical sources, outside agencies but I still felt dissatisfied. Something was missing from my life.

Help came  from an unexpected source, God. He slowly intervened in my life. First through friends, then through my own eyes. I saw that He was always there in my life. Being the gentleman that He always was, in the back row of the theater of my life. Waiting for me to realize He was there.

He was ever so gentle in His approach to me. Slowly lifting me up, showing me the way I needed to go. All the copy and paste information from childhood through adulthood began to be reworked in my mind.

Clarification of thought processes and reasoning’s. Now, I question everything and put it before God to make sure it’s okay for me to keep it in my memory. To move forward with a decision. I’m clearing out the clutter, all the expectations people had of me. I write my own life stories now using the past as reference points and knowing God is right there with me every step of the way. I thank God for all the Blessings in my life. I have much Gratitude.

Thank you Jesus for saving me.

Blessings,

Mary

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I’m the type of person that when I give you my word I carry it through. I am dedicated to completing the commitment or promise(s) that I made. I will doggedly pursue the task of completion just to get it off my “list” of things that I have to do. I understand how it feels when someone breaks a promise. It can hurt and have consequences. I don’t want to be that kind of person.

Besides compassion I have fortitude. Yes, is a driving force within me. However, when it comes to doing something for myself, my personal being, the me, myself and I person it’s a different story. I become the procrastinator person. Over the years I became so well practiced at putting others first I seemed to have forgotten myself along the way. I put myself on the back burner so to speak. As I now struggle to redefine myself I backslide every now and then.

I  force myself to change the way I do things. That’s not an easy thing to do either. Along with my determination there’s also a bit of stubbornness. I try to sit down and write a list of tasks or phone calls and wind up having a contest with myself to see just what I can accomplish in a day. I’m getting better at it. The list gets smaller and smaller each time I do it. I make it fun too. Sort of mix it up, business and pleasure. Being careful to not become a self-centered person. I know it’s not about me but I do have to take care of business. It’s about balance.

There are times that I actually feel less guilty about the time I spend taking care of my personal business. Maybe I just need more practice at self love. Hmm, tonight after class I might just soak my feet and give myself a pedicure. A type of reward for some tasks well done. Reminder to self: we say that every week. Hmm, practice balance.

Don’t get me wrong, I love helping others. It’s instilled in me, that’s part of who I am. Being a Born again Christian has improved who I am and whose I am. Knowing that I am God’s kid has made me grow more like Him.

Being human makes me realize that I have limitations and can get overwhelmed. That’s where He comes in. He reminds me that trying to do everything is HIS job. After all He is the all knowing, all seeing, all powerful God. God ALWAYS keeps His promises. He reminds me that I need to take of myself and that He is always with me. As much as I try to hurry and accomplish my tasks He shows me the beauty of a flower, the complexity of the Earth and weather, and the no such thing as coincidence phone call from a distant friend or relative.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a busy woman but now I have more clarity and a deeper sense of my purpose on this Earth. I have learned to back down politely when asked to take on another volunteer task. I have become a little more fine tuned.

I thank God for all the opportunities that come my way. With each opportunity it’s like going on another little adventure. My friends all know how much I like new adventures.

Blessings Always,

Mary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It seems oftentimes in my life I have been  waiting on someone to go with me somewhere, do things with me or just hang out with me. I am asked frequently why I go places alone or why can’t I just “wait for someone to go with me”. I tell those same people that I would be missing out on some great adventures if I constantly waited and depended on others.

Waiting for a person that says “I’ll let you know about”… going to the movies , lunch, the park, a trip etc only to have them say at the last minute that something else came up. Usually something that had to do with another person, someone that was doing something better or they just had some fears of the unknown.

I figured out that by not depending on others also meant that I would have more alone time. Time to reflect. Instead of being hurt and upset I made a conscious decision to make and have adventures on my own. I go to the movies myself, lunch, and flea markets to name a few.  Even taking another route back home can be filled with new things for me. Finding new shortcuts, a yard sale, farm stands, beautiful homes, it can be anything.

It’s not that I am truly alone. I know that God is always with me. I think He waited for me to realize just that. Sure if my friends ask me to do something with them I will consider going but I also consider how the friend is. Can I depend on this person? Am I going to be safe with them? Will I be disappointed again?

There are times I jump right in and tread the waters of extending myself and my emotions out to the world. Being vulnerable and waiting again. As I wait I think to myself ” …I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” (Psalm 139:14). I thank Him daily. Why should I worry or what do I need to be afraid of? I have royal blood in my veins. I will never be upset or disappointed again as long I remember whose child I am. I know that God wants me to also be smart about things like road safety, being prepared while on trips, and being healthy enough. Now that I am up in years I plan my trips ahead of time. I know that God wants me to have good sense too.

I venture out on my long and short road trips with a glad heart. Knowing of the great adventures before me. I love seeing how others live, even state by state, truck stop by truck stop. The great expanses of land, trees, farmland, and the architecture of cities and towns.  Seeing the beautiful creations of God, looking with eyes of wonder at the details and intricacies of nature and how great God is. How awesome.

Just thinking of all that again makes me want to go on a road trip again. What about you? Do you wait on others?

Blessings,

Mary

 

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Being a Born Again Christian means just that. Being BORN AGAIN. Another chance, a renewing of one’s self inside and out. I was a Christian before, a Catholic Christian, believing in God and Jesus Christ, the Blessed Mother and all the saints too.

It’s not the same as being a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN.  I now only pray to Jesus, God  and talk with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that’s inside of me. The one and only Holy Trinity.

John 14:Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

So through Jesus it is. It took awhile to dispel all the religious legalism I had learned through my life. But I am a willing student. I wanted what Jesus had to offer. The goodness, mercy, peace, and most of all forgiveness. Like a little girl I ran to Him. I wanted it all. I got it. It was a slow road, retraining my mouth, my thoughts and my actions but it was well worth it. Here are some of my thoughts about this journey that I’m on.

I used to curse, smoke, drink, do light drugs, talk about people, I was jealous, envious, lustful, and  I was also sad, alone, unhealthy and isolated from whatever good was out there and never feeling good enough, never knowing real love, I felt alone, distant, confused, distrustful and angry. My life was so unfair, I  felt the dread the overbearing dread. It felt heavy, it was like a dragging weight. Constantly pulling at me. I wanted to escape.

I wanted to be saved by my white knight. I used to say that all the time and add, yeah, it’s probably the Ajax white knight so he can clean up my act, I think I mentioned it in a previous post. There was a TV commercial about Ajax back in my day with a shining knight on a white horse. I guess it stuck in my head, (sigh) another fantasy. I wanted a better life, that life was not the life that I planned on. I used to think June Cleaver, a TV fantasy mother (Leave it to Beaver TV Show) was the perfect mother, wife, homemaker, etc. She also wasn’t real but TV made her look as if we all wanted to be like her. One of my early idols, not including Elvis.  I had a great fantasy life, what an imagination!

I worked hard before I was saved trying to straighten my life out, but I couldn’t keep up. Talk about running around in circles. I was prime pickings for dark thoughts, the whispers in my own head. I began to spiral. I was in my little pity party again planning my escape.

I made a mess, I made so many mistakes, I sinned, I lusted, I envied, I was jealous,  often negative about many things. It was just a matter of time. Like smoking cigarettes ( which I no longer do) we think of the consequences happening down the road. Not realizing it’s really a short road we’re all on.

I fell down and did’t even realize it. Thinking that because I  went to church every Sunday and celebrated the church holidays that it was enough. It wasn’t. I also celebrated Halloween and Easter at that time too.

Geez, I was confused. Receiving Holy Communion and worshiping pagan idols and pagan holidays. What was I thinking?

I was confused and living in a growing fogginess of confusion. There were times I couldn’t even make good decisions or the right ones. It had become so bad at one point that I just more or less flipped a coin, pick one decision and live with it, I said to myself. Take the consequences as they come. Russian roulette with my life. My Spiritual life. What was I thinking?

Today I am so much better, much more of a real person. The person I always wanted to be. I made a lot of mistakes, wrong turns. It has been a long road back to where I’m supposed to be. I don’t curse anymore, or drink like I used to.

It’s funny but I hardly remember that other person. I had been saved and changed and reborn. I think the term regenerated is more like it. I am not the person I used to be, I am so much more.

Like Saul I had a radical change. I knew all the right things I was supposed to be but I had them tainted by the darkness. I’m freer than I have ever been in my life. I’m clean and clear in mind, heart, body and soul. Hopefully, God willing I am a better person now. I look forward to being an even better person.

I want my joy, my change in me to show outwardly not just inwardly. I have some physical issues I deal with that slow down that smile I have inside bursting to come out. But I still have my spontaneous laughter. Sometimes I just crack myself up.

I have many people that pray for me and I also pray for them. The difference it makes in our lives is noticeable. My non Christian friends and some of my family members talk of God now more often, and not in jest. Others are beginning to soften. That’s a good thing because this is a very hard world we live an and we need to be each others friend(neighbor).

We really need to stop being so selfish because we put up walls all around us and in doing so no one can come in or go out. So who is the prisoner? The walls are also around your heart, start slowly, allow yourself to be led by the Lord. Just say over and over, Let go and Let God. It will happen, curses and bondage’s will be broken, some take longer than others. Be persistent, learn everything you can to better yourself the REAL way. From the Good Book, the Bible.

If I need to make a decision nowadays I just ask my Abba Father to help me out. It gets easier each time. I am a child of God why wouldn’t He want to help me. He loves me no matter what. Do I have to learn to behave? Yes I do. I need to stop being sinful and disobedient. Is sin fun? Yes for a short time but you always have to pay the piper (Satan). Just quit acting out and get on with your real life, in Christ. Let go and let God. I am Blessed I am chosen, I am BORN AGAIN!

What about you? Are you free to choose?

 

Here’s a P.S:

I went to an Intensive Weekend in Orlando a few years ago. My very first one. I went with my eyes and my heart open. During one of the services I had a person speak prophetically to me. My eyes were closed in prayer so I didn’t know who she was.

Part of what I was told was that the Savior on the White horse was coming for me. Being silly and skeptical I made the crack about the Ajax what knight coming for me. I thought Jesus was coming to kill me. I didn’t understand what other things she was saying, it was very late so I went upstairs to my hotel room. My roommate wasn’t there yet.

I tossed my Bible on my bed and it slid off and fell pages down opened on the floor. I looked at it for a moment and said out loud, ‘God if there’s something you want me to see let me see it’. I had an odd feeling  as I picked the Bible up carefully from the floor. I searched the two pages for anything that might be meant for me. There it was in the lower left hand corner, 

Revelation 19:11-16English Standard Version (ESV)

The Rider on a White Horse

11 Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. 12 His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. 13 He is clothed in a robe dipped in[a] blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. 14 And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. 15 From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule[b] them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty.16 On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

The next morning I sought out an explanation because I was becoming fearful of the prophecy spoken over me. Once it was explained to me I told the leader what I thought. She laughed and said it meant that Jesus WANTS me, He was seeking me. He wanted to be more in my life because He loved me. I was chosen.

There was my knight on the White Horse. I am forever thankful and I began a wonderfully fulfilling journey with a brand new life.

Blessings,

Mary

 

 

 

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I have been wondering for such a long time now about love. Will I love again? Can I love again? May I love again, that’s the important one to know. Having been through so many different types of relationships in my life I wonder if I have this void, this lack of something I can’t quite put my hands on. Something that isn’t really describable it’s almost imperceptible.

I feel like I lost the “knack” of love. Sure I love flowers, my favorite candy or soft drink, the weather and my family and friends. Somehow though the “feeling” of love is not quite there. Is it because I am so much older now and I have withered away inside and outside? Omigosh I hope not. I watch other couples young and old and just gaze and sigh, how nice they’re still holding hands or geeze those couples should be nicer to each other.

Have I become more of a skeptic after three failed marriages and a few failed relationships. Will I ever have that “in love” feeling again? My children have a vague way of showing love. I guess just having me around them is their way of demonstrating love. Forget about my grandchildren, as teenagers I guess they have no concept of real love yet. I do have loving friends though and my sisters show love the best way they can. Love is a delicate subject. Some people show love, some know love and a few experience real deep down everlasting love. That’s the kind of love I always wanted to feel. Deep down love.

Lately I’ve started thinking about how would it be if I were in a relationship again with a man. Especially after knowing what I know now. I have been told by a Bible teacher friend that God is getting someone ready for me just like He’s getting me ready for someone else. It’s been a long wait. I know that the Apostle Paul says that God favors single women because they pray and worship God more often. A married woman first devotes herself to her spouse and children. God gets more attention from single people. I suppose that’s very true because I do pray and talk with God a lot more.

I used to think that I ran all out of love because I had messed up relationships. It wasn’t all the man’s fault either. I had no self respect or self worth so I entered dysfunctional relationships with a dysfunctional life history. Of course more often than not the man was the same way. Even if he wasn’t we didn’t stand a chance.

I didn’t know real love until I knew Jesus. I couldn’t even receive worldly love until I knew Jesus. I was like a door partially opened. I knew of God but whenever He got closer to me the door I felt that the door closed more and more and I was the one who was inadvertently closing it. By living an unhealthy and unclean lifestyle.

It wasn’t until HE opened the door for ME that I began to feel real love. Every day I am witness to more and more of God’s love for me. Real love of my Father, Abba Father. If worldly love enters my life again I think I might be ready for it now but I’m not giving up my Abba Father love. He has shown me what it means to be loved, to have someone sacrifice themselves for me, to have someone step up and guide me and teach me who I really am.

I am someone who is loved by God Almighty Himself.

For that I am so very thankful and Blessed.

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 Every day when I wake up I wonder ” what’s going to happen today? Can I handle it, am I strong enough?” I always think about how strong I need to be. I never say first thing, “my God is strong enough”.

When I converted to Born again Christian I learned a great deal about disobedience vs independence. Beforehand I thought that it was great to be independent, I boasted of it. The men I knew in my lifetime always wanted an independent woman. I thought I was just as capable of taking care of myself as any one else. I would see other women being taking care of by their husband or boyfriend and I felt a lacking, I didn’t trust anyone to take care of me. I am a product of a cold hearted, bare bones  upbringing. I grew up strong, tough, independent, capable and not trusting anyone. I was also  hurting deep inside. I covered it up with years of more pain, hurt and lack. It was quite a mud pack of junk piled up on me. It wasn’t until I was in yet another failed marriage that I realized what being independent really meant. It meant being absent from the Father.

My former husband didn’t want to worry or think about me when he wasn’t around. He KNEW I would manage, take care of the house, yard, chores whatever needed to be done and still have dinner for him. When we fought I would tell him I didn’t need him I was able to take care of myself. I was proud of the fact. In time we broke and a small part of it was for that reason.Since I was so independent it left him time to have a relationship outside of our marriage. At the time of course I had no idea. All the other reasons for us breaking up were becoming more apparent. I still remained self sufficient or so I thought.

The eventuality of it all was that I learned that independence is a sin. It is DISOBEDIENCE to our Abba Father, God Almighty. We need to be dependent on The Father. He wants to be our father, to protect us, feed and  clothe us, comfort and provide for us. When we are independent we are saying “I can do all these things by myself I don’t need you”. But on the inside we want a father. Someone to do just that. Yet I pushed Him away, I thought I was capable. I thought I was being so strong.

In reality I was causing Him pain. I never thought I was disobedient in that sense. I thought of how good I was. How strong I was. I discovered it was a ruse, a trap, a deadly sin. When I didn’t trust the Father to take care of me and comfort me I was saying ‘I don’t need you God, I can do it ALL myself’. The reality is I can’t do anything by myself. The sin of disobedience brought Pride, Envy, Lust,and Greed just to name a few other sins and bondage spirits. I was in bondage.Me the independent one, was in bondage. I was proud and boasting and running amuck in the world. Thinking I was doing well lying and blindsiding myself. I was strong and tough enough to handle anything that came my way. It was I, I, I, all the way. Pushing my strength and my ‘ I’m  tough I can handle it attitude’ on everything and every body.

I lost a great deal from behaving,believing and living a life like that. I tried to be strong at work, home with friends and family. It was  getting more difficult trying to be strong, trying to do it myself. I was using up so much energy and time trying, pushing, pulling, dodging and starting to feel the weight bearing down on me. Letting go of it would have been much easier to do.

It wasn’t easy to accept the fact that independence is a sin. A simple thing with a really big consequence. Sin, a small word with Hell for a consequence. So I  learn more each day to try to lighten up. Let my Abba Father take care of me. To trust Him and not myself. I’m not there yet, not completely anyway but I’m getting closer. It’s not easy giving up oneself to trust an unseen all knowing God. But I’m working on it and my life is showing an improvement. It’s been slow going at times when it’s a human being checking the calendar waiting for time to click by and eventually arriving  where I wanted to be. It’s definitely worth the wait.

Let go and let God, I heartily  recommend it.

Blessings,

Mary

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