It’s been my own fault, I always blame myself when something goes wrong. I should have known better. I was caught off guard. I trusted. I believed and I trusted. I lived in my fantasy world of La La Land and trusted. Why? Because I try to believe the best in people, the good in people no matter who they are. Bad guys or good guys, it doesn’t matter to me I treat everyone the same. When I become friends with you , that’s it, you’re my friend. I’m loyal, helpful, giving, devoted, sincere, honest, caring and I stand by you. The old fashioned definition of a friend. I have friends for years and years, like 20, 30, 50 years. Sure I have acquaintances too. I have younger friends, people that are younger than me and that I have been friends with for 8 plus years, close acquaintances that become dear close friends. Very rarely do I ever have a problem about a friend hurting me come up. But this past year I did and it has had a profound affect on me. I shouldn’t admit it and give the devil what he wants but it is what it is. It hurt me to the core of my personal belief system and it shook me to say the least. I questioned myself about everything.

I am one of those people that love to help and enjoy making others happy. If it’s a special occasion birthday coming up, I’ll see if I can get some of your peeps together to surprise you. I try to remember birthdays to send out birthday cards. On Facebook I wish strangers a Happy Birthday because you never know if no one else has. Sometimes during the year I’ll send out greeting cards to my friends to let them know I’m thinking of them. It’s a little gift in the mailbox. If I come across a chotski I know they like I’ll pick it up for them. I love my friends, to me they’re family too. I love spreading kindness. So when one of my friends stabbed me in the back one day I didn’t handle it well. I shut down to re-evaluate. At first I couldn’t even talk about it because it hurt so bad but then I knew I had to. I was and still am hurt. Not as bad as back then but it still bothers me. I even put my online business on hold and then eventually took it down. I had a small online website building business that I was just starting to evolve into something bigger, more involved, something more entrepreneurial. I was still helping friends out every now and then, nothing like before.

Being a generous person I didn’t recognize that it was a need I had to be useful and liked that made me vulnerable to be put in that position. So now I re-evaluated myself and took a long hard look, forgave myself and the other person and moved on. I feel like a new me. Older and wiser, unencumbered by this past mistake and thankful that I was able to be able to forgive and let go of it. I will no longer have anything to do with that person again, I’ll be cordial in public but I have let go of all my hurt and anger and gave it up to God for Him to take care of it. The relief and healing didn’t happen overnight, it took time. Mending a broken heart takes time. thank God for God. I have no bitterness, no resentment, no leftover ugliness. If this was the old me I would have still been stewing over this for years. It would have eaten me up and I would have infected everyone I knew. Thank God for God. I can say I am able to live with my conscience knowing I did the right thing in the eyes of God.

Am I still a kind person? Do I still help people? Of course I do. I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and if I’m to be a follower of His then I need to believe and follow what the Bible says. Sure it’s really hard sometimes but a diamond starts out as a dirty black lump of coal stuck underground right? It has to get dug out, chiseled, polished and refined. I’m not a diamond yet, I’m still being worked on.

That’s what life does to us. It’s a process.

Blessings,

Mary