Tag Archive: Born again


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Being a Born Again Christian means just that. Being BORN AGAIN. Another chance, a renewing of one’s self inside and out. I was a Christian before, a Catholic Christian, believing in God and Jesus Christ, the Blessed Mother and all the saints too.

It’s not the same as being a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN.  I now only pray to Jesus, God  and talk with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that’s inside of me. The one and only Holy Trinity.

John 14:Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

So through Jesus it is. It took awhile to dispel all the religious legalism I had learned through my life. But I am a willing student. I wanted what Jesus had to offer. The goodness, mercy, peace, and most of all forgiveness. Like a little girl I ran to Him. I wanted it all. I got it. It was a slow road, retraining my mouth, my thoughts and my actions but it was well worth it. Here are some of my thoughts about this journey that I’m on.

I used to curse, smoke, drink, do light drugs, talk about people, I was jealous, envious, lustful, and  I was also sad, alone, unhealthy and isolated from whatever good was out there and never feeling good enough, never knowing real love, I felt alone, distant, confused, distrustful and angry. My life was so unfair, I  felt the dread the overbearing dread. It felt heavy, it was like a dragging weight. Constantly pulling at me. I wanted to escape.

I wanted to be saved by my white knight. I used to say that all the time and add, yeah, it’s probably the Ajax white knight so he can clean up my act, I think I mentioned it in a previous post. There was a TV commercial about Ajax back in my day with a shining knight on a white horse. I guess it stuck in my head, (sigh) another fantasy. I wanted a better life, that life was not the life that I planned on. I used to think June Cleaver, a TV fantasy mother (Leave it to Beaver TV Show) was the perfect mother, wife, homemaker, etc. She also wasn’t real but TV made her look as if we all wanted to be like her. One of my early idols, not including Elvis.  I had a great fantasy life, what an imagination!

I worked hard before I was saved trying to straighten my life out, but I couldn’t keep up. Talk about running around in circles. I was prime pickings for dark thoughts, the whispers in my own head. I began to spiral. I was in my little pity party again planning my escape.

I made a mess, I made so many mistakes, I sinned, I lusted, I envied, I was jealous,  often negative about many things. It was just a matter of time. Like smoking cigarettes ( which I no longer do) we think of the consequences happening down the road. Not realizing it’s really a short road we’re all on.

I fell down and did’t even realize it. Thinking that because I  went to church every Sunday and celebrated the church holidays that it was enough. It wasn’t. I also celebrated Halloween and Easter at that time too.

Geez, I was confused. Receiving Holy Communion and worshiping pagan idols and pagan holidays. What was I thinking?

I was confused and living in a growing fogginess of confusion. There were times I couldn’t even make good decisions or the right ones. It had become so bad at one point that I just more or less flipped a coin, pick one decision and live with it, I said to myself. Take the consequences as they come. Russian roulette with my life. My Spiritual life. What was I thinking?

Today I am so much better, much more of a real person. The person I always wanted to be. I made a lot of mistakes, wrong turns. It has been a long road back to where I’m supposed to be. I don’t curse anymore, or drink like I used to.

It’s funny but I hardly remember that other person. I had been saved and changed and reborn. I think the term regenerated is more like it. I am not the person I used to be, I am so much more.

Like Saul I had a radical change. I knew all the right things I was supposed to be but I had them tainted by the darkness. I’m freer than I have ever been in my life. I’m clean and clear in mind, heart, body and soul. Hopefully, God willing I am a better person now. I look forward to being an even better person.

I want my joy, my change in me to show outwardly not just inwardly. I have some physical issues I deal with that slow down that smile I have inside bursting to come out. But I still have my spontaneous laughter. Sometimes I just crack myself up.

I have many people that pray for me and I also pray for them. The difference it makes in our lives is noticeable. My non Christian friends and some of my family members talk of God now more often, and not in jest. Others are beginning to soften. That’s a good thing because this is a very hard world we live an and we need to be each others friend(neighbor).

We really need to stop being so selfish because we put up walls all around us and in doing so no one can come in or go out. So who is the prisoner? The walls are also around your heart, start slowly, allow yourself to be led by the Lord. Just say over and over, Let go and Let God. It will happen, curses and bondage’s will be broken, some take longer than others. Be persistent, learn everything you can to better yourself the REAL way. From the Good Book, the Bible.

If I need to make a decision nowadays I just ask my Abba Father to help me out. It gets easier each time. I am a child of God why wouldn’t He want to help me. He loves me no matter what. Do I have to learn to behave? Yes I do. I need to stop being sinful and disobedient. Is sin fun? Yes for a short time but you always have to pay the piper (Satan). Just quit acting out and get on with your real life, in Christ. Let go and let God. I am Blessed I am chosen, I am BORN AGAIN!

What about you? Are you free to choose?

 

Here’s a P.S:

I went to an Intensive Weekend in Orlando a few years ago. My very first one. I went with my eyes and my heart open. During one of the services I had a person speak prophetically to me. My eyes were closed in prayer so I didn’t know who she was.

Part of what I was told was that the Savior on the White horse was coming for me. Being silly and skeptical I made the crack about the Ajax what knight coming for me. I thought Jesus was coming to kill me. I didn’t understand what other things she was saying, it was very late so I went upstairs to my hotel room. My roommate wasn’t there yet.

I tossed my Bible on my bed and it slid off and fell pages down opened on the floor. I looked at it for a moment and said out loud, ‘God if there’s something you want me to see let me see it’. I had an odd feeling  as I picked the Bible up carefully from the floor. I searched the two pages for anything that might be meant for me. There it was in the lower left hand corner, 

Revelation 19:11-16English Standard Version (ESV)

The Rider on a White Horse

11 Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. 12 His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. 13 He is clothed in a robe dipped in[a] blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. 14 And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. 15 From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule[b] them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty.16 On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

The next morning I sought out an explanation because I was becoming fearful of the prophecy spoken over me. Once it was explained to me I told the leader what I thought. She laughed and said it meant that Jesus WANTS me, He was seeking me. He wanted to be more in my life because He loved me. I was chosen.

There was my knight on the White Horse. I am forever thankful and I began a wonderfully fulfilling journey with a brand new life.

Blessings,

Mary

 

 

 

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 Every day when I wake up I wonder ” what’s going to happen today? Can I handle it, am I strong enough?” I always think about how strong I need to be. I never say first thing, “my God is strong enough”.

When I converted to Born again Christian I learned a great deal about disobedience vs independence. Beforehand I thought that it was great to be independent, I boasted of it. The men I knew in my lifetime always wanted an independent woman. I thought I was just as capable of taking care of myself as any one else. I would see other women being taking care of by their husband or boyfriend and I felt a lacking, I didn’t trust anyone to take care of me. I am a product of a cold hearted, bare bones  upbringing. I grew up strong, tough, independent, capable and not trusting anyone. I was also  hurting deep inside. I covered it up with years of more pain, hurt and lack. It was quite a mud pack of junk piled up on me. It wasn’t until I was in yet another failed marriage that I realized what being independent really meant. It meant being absent from the Father.

My former husband didn’t want to worry or think about me when he wasn’t around. He KNEW I would manage, take care of the house, yard, chores whatever needed to be done and still have dinner for him. When we fought I would tell him I didn’t need him I was able to take care of myself. I was proud of the fact. In time we broke and a small part of it was for that reason.Since I was so independent it left him time to have a relationship outside of our marriage. At the time of course I had no idea. All the other reasons for us breaking up were becoming more apparent. I still remained self sufficient or so I thought.

The eventuality of it all was that I learned that independence is a sin. It is DISOBEDIENCE to our Abba Father, God Almighty. We need to be dependent on The Father. He wants to be our father, to protect us, feed and  clothe us, comfort and provide for us. When we are independent we are saying “I can do all these things by myself I don’t need you”. But on the inside we want a father. Someone to do just that. Yet I pushed Him away, I thought I was capable. I thought I was being so strong.

In reality I was causing Him pain. I never thought I was disobedient in that sense. I thought of how good I was. How strong I was. I discovered it was a ruse, a trap, a deadly sin. When I didn’t trust the Father to take care of me and comfort me I was saying ‘I don’t need you God, I can do it ALL myself’. The reality is I can’t do anything by myself. The sin of disobedience brought Pride, Envy, Lust,and Greed just to name a few other sins and bondage spirits. I was in bondage.Me the independent one, was in bondage. I was proud and boasting and running amuck in the world. Thinking I was doing well lying and blindsiding myself. I was strong and tough enough to handle anything that came my way. It was I, I, I, all the way. Pushing my strength and my ‘ I’m  tough I can handle it attitude’ on everything and every body.

I lost a great deal from behaving,believing and living a life like that. I tried to be strong at work, home with friends and family. It was  getting more difficult trying to be strong, trying to do it myself. I was using up so much energy and time trying, pushing, pulling, dodging and starting to feel the weight bearing down on me. Letting go of it would have been much easier to do.

It wasn’t easy to accept the fact that independence is a sin. A simple thing with a really big consequence. Sin, a small word with Hell for a consequence. So I  learn more each day to try to lighten up. Let my Abba Father take care of me. To trust Him and not myself. I’m not there yet, not completely anyway but I’m getting closer. It’s not easy giving up oneself to trust an unseen all knowing God. But I’m working on it and my life is showing an improvement. It’s been slow going at times when it’s a human being checking the calendar waiting for time to click by and eventually arriving  where I wanted to be. It’s definitely worth the wait.

Let go and let God, I heartily  recommend it.

Blessings,

Mary

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My life has gone through many changes. In the past few years, some very dramatic and renewing life changing events. It was when I lost everything that I actually found so much more than what I lost.

I was a hospice nurse. I loved my patients, the families, and my job. For me, I was a  career hospice nurse ,and I loved it. It brought me much satisfaction in my inner self. I learned so much about people, compassion, families, family dynamics, pain and suffering, and most of all Spirituality. I was comfortable in knowing I did my job well. I took good care of my patients. I was committed to making them as comfortable as possible.

I have learned so much from my patients and their families. I am so very grateful for the privilege of caring for them.

When I first began caring for hospice patients I prayed often. For them and their families and also for myself. I asked God to help me be a good nurse and to be what He wanted me to be.

I prayed quietly to myself at the bedside of the dying. I prayed in my car, at home, in church wherever I was. I asked for understanding. When I had questions I prayed for answers. He ALWAYS delivered the answers to me in an “ah ha ” kind of way. I saw the answers right there,  right at that moment. It was always “wow, I can see what you mean”.

Somehow I began losing sight of Him. Oh I went to church, I still prayed, I was still a good nurse but slowly I got caught up in the world. The world of taking care of myself. Of making a living, taking care of my house, truck, pets and yard, paying my credit cards and household bills, the list goes on . I coveted things, I actually  worshiped  idols. The idols of capitalism. Don’t misunderstand me. I enjoyed shopping, hunting down things. Even though it was mainly thrift  and discount stores. Owning second hand items didn’t bother me. But putting work, the house, yard and material items before God is a big no-no. God is a jealous God. Even though they were not golden calves or statues of other gods, I put them first.

I still helped people though. I enjoy helping others. Helping others is a big part of my life. I feel it’s something I’m supposed to do. Not realizing I also needed help.

 Being blindsided. I thought, “I want to be like everyone else, a good citizen, have a good credit score, my own home etc”.

I didn’t realize at the time that it was okay to be me.Where I was in life, it was alright, hard working, dedicated, aspiring, alone but not lonely, always trying to do the right thing. I kept myself busy, not afraid to take little adventures. Go places near and far by myself. I learned not to depend on others for my happiness.

As much as I wanted to be like others I was deep down glad I was not. I never realized how much I was putting on myself. Proud of my INDEPENDENCE. I can fix almost anything. I can work more, I can do this, I can do that. Being independent I thought was a good thing. Actually it alienates people. Others think you never need help with anything so they stop asking you. They get put off by your independence, thinking you can do so much more for yourself you don’t need anyone.

Actually, I find that my  independence came from loss. No help to do things, to help get stuff done, to go places with, no one had time to comfort or console, to bounce ideas off of, or to share with. I became stronger in my resolve that I didn’t need anyone, I can do it. I became more independent. A cycle round and round. All the while praying to God,asking and asking so many questions.  Looking for why me, why not, how come?

Then my life changed. I got hurt at work. Went through all the required rehabs, surgeries, rehab again, insurance and job requirements.  Ultimately due to “economic forecasters” ( my terms) I and 26 other people, mostly nurses and home health aides were laid off.  Oh my gosh what a disaster! My life passed before me at the speed of light. What about my home, my credit, my, my, my. All about me. To make a very long ( 5 year or so) story short, I lost my career, my home, my physical self and wound up with a physical disability from my injuries, and severe arthritis from long years of hard  work. But yet I still wanted to go back and continue what I was doing just as before.

I had to accept my many losses. It was hard to do. I grieved often, prayed often and hoped for answers. I dealt with my grief, yes I grieved. I went through the grief process for each of my losses. I had to change.  I did that with God’s help. He put wonderful people in my path along this very painful journey. I became a born again Christian. I saw that God was always there, I had to get ME out of the way. I prayed the confusion to be cleared and I that I would have wisdom and healing. I have been fast tracking, hungry for the Lord. I realize my thinking before was corrupted by worldly things. I understand now what principalities are. I know I am a warrior bride for Christ. I have purpose and meaning in my life. I am into the Word first thing every morning. I get up earlier to do that. I verbalize my praise and thanks all day long. What I gained is so much more empowering. Life affirming. The veil is lifted.

I am on the biggest adventure yet! I don’t have to just survive or try to be like the other fish in the fishbowl. I trust in God, He will provide for me, He directs my steps. I am not alone, my eyes and heart are open.  I am on an awesome journey. A marvelous adventure! And I just love new adventures!

Blessings, Mary

It’s not about me, it’s about Him.

Welcome to my blog. This is all new to me. Just another step towards where He is leading me. I have come a long way since I first became a born again Christian. I was always on a “quest” for more of God. Not happy being in typical churches all about the business of the religion and not about the Jesus or the Bible.. Everything else but that. I always prayed  to God for help and direction, and answers also. Sometimes the answers come in such a way that it can be quite traumatic and life changing.  I guess that’s what what needed in my circumstances to get my full attention.

I had gotten hurt at work, went through everything required to get me back to work. Eventually was laid off from my job. It was devastating enough getting hurt, it was a catastrophe losing my job. I was a workaholic. I was a good citizen, took care of my credit cards, house, yard, pets, everything. Unemployment, social agencies, loss of familiar contacts, and the realization that I was going to lose everything I owned hit me very hard. This was going to be a long difficult fearful process for me. Always independent, strong, resilient, and a never give in attitude. I thought I could manage all of that and just get back on my feet. Well, it is happening but not the way I had ever imagined.

When the a/c in my truck broke down again, it was just so overwhelming for me  to manage. Having already replaced it at a cost of $2600. just a few years ago I knew I was done for. Living in Florida, it’s a necessity especially if one is not born here. Then, just when I thought all was lost  I received a telephone call from a friend at work. I thought everyone had forgotten me. I was encouaged to bring my truck to their house and her husband would fix it for me free of charge. I was stunned “wow, you would do  that for me”? Yes, he did. Well I was visiting with her, we were talking about my discontent with my church. She invited me to her church and I went. At the time I was going to different places of worship to find my niche. As soon as I walked into the church and heard the Pastor speak, I knew that’s where I wanted to be, Calvary Chapel Worship Center in New Port Richey. It’s an awesome church. They have many things going on for parishoners and  the community.

He spoke of living a life like Jesus, in  the Bible. The Good Life. Of course it would not be all as easy as said as is done. I knew I had a lifetime of  abuse, bad behaviors, habits,pain, personal demons and discouragements to deal with. After going there a few times and looking around, I knew I wanted more. I wanted to do more, help more and get more Jesus. I began by volunteering. I started taking some classes. I wanted to know more about the book called The Bible. I thought, “I tried every other lifestyle, I’m going to try this one”.  It was always about getting things in the world, a car, a house, things. Never about getting into Heaven. I made many mistakes and most of them where out of ignorance. I am working my way through my misbegotten ways and making amends wherever I go.

I was not a bad person, I always helped people. Yes, I made mistakes, I lived  through the 1960’s without too much garbage. But I had garbage nonetheless. Whether it was of my own doing or generational, sin is sin. I must not sin. Not if I want to get into Heaven, I must also forgive, above all that’s the biggest thing, to forgive. I am a work in progress.  Prayer and my new found classes led me yet to another place.

I joined a womans group called SOS, Shedding Our Silence. It helps women that have dealt with abuse, neglect, and troubles bring out the “beauty within”. Lots of personal growth. It is led by Pastor Estell, an awesome woman of God. She teaches and leads us as directed by God and the Bible. We have done several things outside of our group also. we reach out to others in the community. This past winter we did a blanket/sweater drive for the local homeless. When I am able to post the pictures I will. I am still setting up this blog so please bear with me.

Presently I am selling tee shirts that I myself was inspired to do. It was an Holy Spirit moment for me, hearing a small voice inside me that kept saying. “look around, they are not about Me, remind them, show them”. So I made simple black tee shirts that say, “It’s not about me, it’s about Him”.

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