Tag Archive: trust God


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It seems oftentimes in my life I have been  waiting on someone to go with me somewhere, do things with me or just hang out with me. I am asked frequently why I go places alone or why can’t I just “wait for someone to go with me”. I tell those same people that I would be missing out on some great adventures if I constantly waited and depended on others.

Waiting for a person that says “I’ll let you know about”… going to the movies , lunch, the park, a trip etc only to have them say at the last minute that something else came up. Usually something that had to do with another person, someone that was doing something better or they just had some fears of the unknown.

I figured out that by not depending on others also meant that I would have more alone time. Time to reflect. Instead of being hurt and upset I made a conscious decision to make and have adventures on my own. I go to the movies myself, lunch, and flea markets to name a few.  Even taking another route back home can be filled with new things for me. Finding new shortcuts, a yard sale, farm stands, beautiful homes, it can be anything.

It’s not that I am truly alone. I know that God is always with me. I think He waited for me to realize just that. Sure if my friends ask me to do something with them I will consider going but I also consider how the friend is. Can I depend on this person? Am I going to be safe with them? Will I be disappointed again?

There are times I jump right in and tread the waters of extending myself and my emotions out to the world. Being vulnerable and waiting again. As I wait I think to myself ” …I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” (Psalm 139:14). I thank Him daily. Why should I worry or what do I need to be afraid of? I have royal blood in my veins. I will never be upset or disappointed again as long I remember whose child I am. I know that God wants me to also be smart about things like road safety, being prepared while on trips, and being healthy enough. Now that I am up in years I plan my trips ahead of time. I know that God wants me to have good sense too.

I venture out on my long and short road trips with a glad heart. Knowing of the great adventures before me. I love seeing how others live, even state by state, truck stop by truck stop. The great expanses of land, trees, farmland, and the architecture of cities and towns.  Seeing the beautiful creations of God, looking with eyes of wonder at the details and intricacies of nature and how great God is. How awesome.

Just thinking of all that again makes me want to go on a road trip again. What about you? Do you wait on others?

Blessings,

Mary

 

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Being a Born Again Christian means just that. Being BORN AGAIN. Another chance, a renewing of one’s self inside and out. I was a Christian before, a Catholic Christian, believing in God and Jesus Christ, the Blessed Mother and all the saints too.

It’s not the same as being a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN.  I now only pray to Jesus, God  and talk with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that’s inside of me. The one and only Holy Trinity.

John 14:Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

So through Jesus it is. It took awhile to dispel all the religious legalism I had learned through my life. But I am a willing student. I wanted what Jesus had to offer. The goodness, mercy, peace, and most of all forgiveness. Like a little girl I ran to Him. I wanted it all. I got it. It was a slow road, retraining my mouth, my thoughts and my actions but it was well worth it. Here are some of my thoughts about this journey that I’m on.

I used to curse, smoke, drink, do light drugs, talk about people, I was jealous, envious, lustful, and  I was also sad, alone, unhealthy and isolated from whatever good was out there and never feeling good enough, never knowing real love, I felt alone, distant, confused, distrustful and angry. My life was so unfair, I  felt the dread the overbearing dread. It felt heavy, it was like a dragging weight. Constantly pulling at me. I wanted to escape.

I wanted to be saved by my white knight. I used to say that all the time and add, yeah, it’s probably the Ajax white knight so he can clean up my act, I think I mentioned it in a previous post. There was a TV commercial about Ajax back in my day with a shining knight on a white horse. I guess it stuck in my head, (sigh) another fantasy. I wanted a better life, that life was not the life that I planned on. I used to think June Cleaver, a TV fantasy mother (Leave it to Beaver TV Show) was the perfect mother, wife, homemaker, etc. She also wasn’t real but TV made her look as if we all wanted to be like her. One of my early idols, not including Elvis.  I had a great fantasy life, what an imagination!

I worked hard before I was saved trying to straighten my life out, but I couldn’t keep up. Talk about running around in circles. I was prime pickings for dark thoughts, the whispers in my own head. I began to spiral. I was in my little pity party again planning my escape.

I made a mess, I made so many mistakes, I sinned, I lusted, I envied, I was jealous,  often negative about many things. It was just a matter of time. Like smoking cigarettes ( which I no longer do) we think of the consequences happening down the road. Not realizing it’s really a short road we’re all on.

I fell down and did’t even realize it. Thinking that because I  went to church every Sunday and celebrated the church holidays that it was enough. It wasn’t. I also celebrated Halloween and Easter at that time too.

Geez, I was confused. Receiving Holy Communion and worshiping pagan idols and pagan holidays. What was I thinking?

I was confused and living in a growing fogginess of confusion. There were times I couldn’t even make good decisions or the right ones. It had become so bad at one point that I just more or less flipped a coin, pick one decision and live with it, I said to myself. Take the consequences as they come. Russian roulette with my life. My Spiritual life. What was I thinking?

Today I am so much better, much more of a real person. The person I always wanted to be. I made a lot of mistakes, wrong turns. It has been a long road back to where I’m supposed to be. I don’t curse anymore, or drink like I used to.

It’s funny but I hardly remember that other person. I had been saved and changed and reborn. I think the term regenerated is more like it. I am not the person I used to be, I am so much more.

Like Saul I had a radical change. I knew all the right things I was supposed to be but I had them tainted by the darkness. I’m freer than I have ever been in my life. I’m clean and clear in mind, heart, body and soul. Hopefully, God willing I am a better person now. I look forward to being an even better person.

I want my joy, my change in me to show outwardly not just inwardly. I have some physical issues I deal with that slow down that smile I have inside bursting to come out. But I still have my spontaneous laughter. Sometimes I just crack myself up.

I have many people that pray for me and I also pray for them. The difference it makes in our lives is noticeable. My non Christian friends and some of my family members talk of God now more often, and not in jest. Others are beginning to soften. That’s a good thing because this is a very hard world we live an and we need to be each others friend(neighbor).

We really need to stop being so selfish because we put up walls all around us and in doing so no one can come in or go out. So who is the prisoner? The walls are also around your heart, start slowly, allow yourself to be led by the Lord. Just say over and over, Let go and Let God. It will happen, curses and bondage’s will be broken, some take longer than others. Be persistent, learn everything you can to better yourself the REAL way. From the Good Book, the Bible.

If I need to make a decision nowadays I just ask my Abba Father to help me out. It gets easier each time. I am a child of God why wouldn’t He want to help me. He loves me no matter what. Do I have to learn to behave? Yes I do. I need to stop being sinful and disobedient. Is sin fun? Yes for a short time but you always have to pay the piper (Satan). Just quit acting out and get on with your real life, in Christ. Let go and let God. I am Blessed I am chosen, I am BORN AGAIN!

What about you? Are you free to choose?

 

Here’s a P.S:

I went to an Intensive Weekend in Orlando a few years ago. My very first one. I went with my eyes and my heart open. During one of the services I had a person speak prophetically to me. My eyes were closed in prayer so I didn’t know who she was.

Part of what I was told was that the Savior on the White horse was coming for me. Being silly and skeptical I made the crack about the Ajax what knight coming for me. I thought Jesus was coming to kill me. I didn’t understand what other things she was saying, it was very late so I went upstairs to my hotel room. My roommate wasn’t there yet.

I tossed my Bible on my bed and it slid off and fell pages down opened on the floor. I looked at it for a moment and said out loud, ‘God if there’s something you want me to see let me see it’. I had an odd feeling  as I picked the Bible up carefully from the floor. I searched the two pages for anything that might be meant for me. There it was in the lower left hand corner, 

Revelation 19:11-16English Standard Version (ESV)

The Rider on a White Horse

11 Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. 12 His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. 13 He is clothed in a robe dipped in[a] blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. 14 And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. 15 From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule[b] them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty.16 On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

The next morning I sought out an explanation because I was becoming fearful of the prophecy spoken over me. Once it was explained to me I told the leader what I thought. She laughed and said it meant that Jesus WANTS me, He was seeking me. He wanted to be more in my life because He loved me. I was chosen.

There was my knight on the White Horse. I am forever thankful and I began a wonderfully fulfilling journey with a brand new life.

Blessings,

Mary

 

 

 

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 Every day when I wake up I wonder ” what’s going to happen today? Can I handle it, am I strong enough?” I always think about how strong I need to be. I never say first thing, “my God is strong enough”.

When I converted to Born again Christian I learned a great deal about disobedience vs independence. Beforehand I thought that it was great to be independent, I boasted of it. The men I knew in my lifetime always wanted an independent woman. I thought I was just as capable of taking care of myself as any one else. I would see other women being taking care of by their husband or boyfriend and I felt a lacking, I didn’t trust anyone to take care of me. I am a product of a cold hearted, bare bones  upbringing. I grew up strong, tough, independent, capable and not trusting anyone. I was also  hurting deep inside. I covered it up with years of more pain, hurt and lack. It was quite a mud pack of junk piled up on me. It wasn’t until I was in yet another failed marriage that I realized what being independent really meant. It meant being absent from the Father.

My former husband didn’t want to worry or think about me when he wasn’t around. He KNEW I would manage, take care of the house, yard, chores whatever needed to be done and still have dinner for him. When we fought I would tell him I didn’t need him I was able to take care of myself. I was proud of the fact. In time we broke and a small part of it was for that reason.Since I was so independent it left him time to have a relationship outside of our marriage. At the time of course I had no idea. All the other reasons for us breaking up were becoming more apparent. I still remained self sufficient or so I thought.

The eventuality of it all was that I learned that independence is a sin. It is DISOBEDIENCE to our Abba Father, God Almighty. We need to be dependent on The Father. He wants to be our father, to protect us, feed and  clothe us, comfort and provide for us. When we are independent we are saying “I can do all these things by myself I don’t need you”. But on the inside we want a father. Someone to do just that. Yet I pushed Him away, I thought I was capable. I thought I was being so strong.

In reality I was causing Him pain. I never thought I was disobedient in that sense. I thought of how good I was. How strong I was. I discovered it was a ruse, a trap, a deadly sin. When I didn’t trust the Father to take care of me and comfort me I was saying ‘I don’t need you God, I can do it ALL myself’. The reality is I can’t do anything by myself. The sin of disobedience brought Pride, Envy, Lust,and Greed just to name a few other sins and bondage spirits. I was in bondage.Me the independent one, was in bondage. I was proud and boasting and running amuck in the world. Thinking I was doing well lying and blindsiding myself. I was strong and tough enough to handle anything that came my way. It was I, I, I, all the way. Pushing my strength and my ‘ I’m  tough I can handle it attitude’ on everything and every body.

I lost a great deal from behaving,believing and living a life like that. I tried to be strong at work, home with friends and family. It was  getting more difficult trying to be strong, trying to do it myself. I was using up so much energy and time trying, pushing, pulling, dodging and starting to feel the weight bearing down on me. Letting go of it would have been much easier to do.

It wasn’t easy to accept the fact that independence is a sin. A simple thing with a really big consequence. Sin, a small word with Hell for a consequence. So I  learn more each day to try to lighten up. Let my Abba Father take care of me. To trust Him and not myself. I’m not there yet, not completely anyway but I’m getting closer. It’s not easy giving up oneself to trust an unseen all knowing God. But I’m working on it and my life is showing an improvement. It’s been slow going at times when it’s a human being checking the calendar waiting for time to click by and eventually arriving  where I wanted to be. It’s definitely worth the wait.

Let go and let God, I heartily  recommend it.

Blessings,

Mary

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It seems we take so much for granted. As we get older we just figure that’s the way it is or it ought to be. I am so thankful when I wake up each morning. And hopeful that the day offers me enough time to continue making myself a better person. Extra time for forgiveness and to be forgiven. Time for healing inside and out. Time to know joy and redemption and time to be a blessing and not a burden to others. I see the beauty in trees, animals, the sky above and this earth we walk on. The bugs, the wind,and all the things that man thinks he has made. In reality God made it all. This is Gods green earth not ours. But I digress.

When I go about my day and  I find that I have a need for something, more food, another pair of shoes, a coat, things around the house or car I stop and talk to God about it. After all He is my Abba Father.

“God I know you know everything from beginning to end, and I know you know all my needs. I’m just reminding you God, my Abba Father because I know how busy you are with  other peoples needs and I’m sure they are much bigger than mine. But God I sure can use …. or ….” .  Whatever I ask for out of a TRUE need I receive. It’s about faith and trust that He will provide ALL my needs. I just have to open my eyes and I’ll see it. Oh, and I also need to accept the way the help or assistance comes.

As an example, I was putting on a pair of shoes that I had owned for about five years. I noticed the increased wear and tear and knew that I was going to need another pair. I usually try to get more than one pair whenever I do buy shoes or sneakers so if the one pair was worsening so were the others I use. Because I alternate their use. I can’t afford high end anything so whenever I get the opportunity I go to Walmart or some inexpensive store and buy a few  pairs because they are cheap, and I really dislike shoe shopping. I was just talking to God about the need for another pair of shoes. I didn’t think anymore about it. I didn’t have the money at the time anyway and like I said previously, I really do not like shoe shopping.

 I had received  a final check for being out on a medical leave. I was almost on empty in my car. After getting gas I had a few extra dollars left. That check I received was not expected, I’m very grateful. I was due to go to work the following week.

 I was driving past a shopping center when I suddenly decided to check out the new Goodwill donation thrift store that had opened up.

It was a snowy post blizzard day so the parking lot was empty. Going into the store and browsing around I noticed the shoe rack. On the shoe rack I found three pairs of well made brand new leather shoes in my size. Two pair were the same style, different colors and the third was a beautiful pair of tasseled leather loafers. I was absolutely amazed. I checked the prices with the clerk and the three pairs of shoes came to less than forty dollars. I had about forty three dollars left. The clerk asked me if I had the senior discount  key tag. “Let me check” I said. Sure enough not only did I get a discount for being a senior but also because of the day of the week I received another discount. Awesomeness!  God heard me He knew I needed shoes for when I returned to work. And He supplied my need. 

Since I am not particularly fussy about brand name, brand new off the shelf items or the latest fad the blessings were more discreet, on the quiet side you might say. At first I hardly noticed them.  God is such a gentleman. it dawned on me that most people would call them wishes or just plain luck. Not me, I know it’s God.

I like thrift stores, antiques, second hand items. To me they have a comfort-ability about them and sometimes it’s a great treasure hunt. Don’t get me wrong I like new things too but I don’t mind receiving used items. I try to take care of the things I own. Some things last me years. One day while going through an old photo album I saw a picture of myself in a shirt that I still owned. It was still in great shape too, no color fade or stretching out. I just cracked up laughing. I had to donate that shirt. It was a Disney shirt, baseball style. So comfortable and soft. Also about 15 years old. It was on clearance at the Disney store at Disney World in Orlando Florida when I went there to meet up with one of my sisters. I’m quite the saver. I remembered one of my good friends commented that she wanted the shirt when I was ready to give it up. So I finally, (big sigh) mailed it to her. She was very happy to receive it.

One night I was going through my pajama draw to get ready for bed. I looked at what I had and was thinking ‘ Geez Louise Mary, you’ve got to do something about your pajamas’. I love tee shirts and fleece or flannel pants and I was out looking in the discount stores to price them so I would have an idea of the cost. Making mental notes to self I just put the thoughts out of my head until I had been paid from my job after I returned to work.

A good friend of mine  often gives me donated items and clothes. She often tells me to take something if I need it for myself. and she often gives me bagfuls to bring with me when I go to the different places that I volunteer for. I usually separate the items into appropriate bags for their destinations.  Going through the bags I found a couple of pairs of pajamas. Very similar to what I was needing. I took them out and added the same amount of items from my own clothes to the bags. I have a personal policy that if I bring something into my home something else leaves. Helps keep clutter down. That’s on top of other things I donate.

So here I was looking at these pajamas and praising God for provision. I also thanked my friend, for her good works. God is an awesome God working through people, places and things.

I’m so glad my eyes are open to see so that upon seeing I am receiving. What a great feeling it is. The blessings are  all around us we just have to open our eyes. The blessing of a beautiful day, a child being born, the smile of a child, a field of flowers, a forest of trees If you need to learn how just call on Jesus, take a long deep breath, open your eyes and breathe out slowly. It’s all right there in front of you, now receive it.

Blessings to all, 

Mary

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Today after listening to my favorite  television Bible teachers  this question came into my mind, “How many times do you have to lose everything before you figure it all out? Just what is it going to take? How high is your tolerance for pain, your blindness, your denial or your stubbornness?

I know in the past mine was pretty high, actually it was extremely high. I could handle anything. I could take care of it myself. I have a plan for my life. I can see clearly my goals and aspirations. I am independent and I don’t need anyone to help me. I can do it myself.

Get my point yet? I was cruising along struggling to get by, taking care of my house, yard, truck, health, faith, and it took awhile.  I thought I had it all figured out, independent and determined to succeed. “I” had no idea that “I” was not in control of my destiny.

It was all “I”, “I”, “I”, see where this is going? Like Humpty Dumpty “I” was getting ready for a great fall.

 In retrospect there was no way of knowing that God was going to intercede in my life in a grand way. Having mentioned this in previous blogs, about my losing everything, house, independence, my goals and aspirations and basically whom “I” was at the time, I am now a new person. Actually I lose myself everyday. Then with the new day I become a new person, and that happens everyday.

I often give things away that were given to me to pass on to others. I have seen God work through me and in the other people that are now part of my life.  Always being a giving person offering to help others I found that to be my ministry of sorts.

Actually I’m not even positive it’s a ministry for me. It just really happened, it became something I do often. God made me good at scrounging around for myself since money and food were in short supply. So I became better at what I was always good at.When I think of all “I” have been through and the exciting paths that are before me now, I have anticipation for the new adventures.

Starting over for me before I found Christ was always something difficult, a chore, looking for food, shelter, jobs and new friends. Now since I don’t have to worry about that at all, it has increased my blessings. Increased them so much that I have an over abundance to share with others. Before it was about me, myself and I. How was I going to make it? Can I get a job? What about a place to live? And food? Sure, I still get desires for worldly goods. Recently I was beginning to be concerned about getting new pants for work. I had to stop myself from thinking over and over how was I going to get them. New clothes are not in my budget at all I remember saying to myself, “o.k, enough of that, God will take care of me, God IS taking care of me, it’ll be alright”. That same day, a woman friend I volunteer with at the Monday Soup Kitchen came to me with a clothes hanger covered in dry cleaner plastic and said to me, “Mary these are three brand new pairs of pants do you want them? Wow, blew me away. God that was quick. Isn’t He awesome?

Don’t get me wrong, I have a great place to live, a full refrigerator and freezer. BUT GOD did that for me. I don’t struggle now like I did before I found Jesus. I used to really worry about how I was going to make it. I lost everything in my life a few times and had to start over. When I look back at my life I can see that I did make it after all. He found me. He saved me. It’s probably hard for the non believer to accept but once they do, it’s an awesome experience. I am free.

Now that Jesus is in control and taking care of me, there’s nothing for me to worry about. Because if I make it all about Him there’s nothing ever to worry about.

Thank you Jesus for finding me a lost sheep. thank you Jesus for forgiving me. Thank you Jesus for dying on the Cross and taking on the sins of the world.

 

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It’s not easy walking a narrow path. Trying to live like Jesus wants us to live. Trusting Him completely in a distrusting world. Satan always prowling around (1 Peter 5:7-8). Sometimes it’s difficult to make the right decisions about even just the simplest things. It seems like they escalate into something with a life of it’s own.

An avalanche going downhill, a rockslide, a waterfall. Turning into something else entirely when it gets to the bottom. If you look at it negatively, you might think, “wow, a huge powerful mess just wound up here”. Look at it positively and think, ” will you look at how awesome that is, see the new creation, see the might and strength of what that has become.”  

The avalanche has taken the weight off the mountain and moved earth and debris to the base creating new environment for plants and animals.

The rockslide creates new terrain also taking the mountains weight.

The waterfall as powerful as it is moves the earth and whats in the waters path to the bottom, a pool of churning water making its way yet again along and through the earth.

Powerful, dangerous, sometimes deadly events that through unplanned circumstances are transformed into something good or better than before.

The rocks or snow were dangling and really had no use the way they were,  it’s like the earth was shedding them. Shaking them off.

The waterfall couldn’t just end there at the bottom of the pool, it overflowed and spilled out to start again and start anew.

Being Christian is a lot like that. You die to self. When you surrender your life to Jesus, He takes the old and begins to make it new. When you commit yourself to living Christlike many obstacles can come against you. The pressure is on, things begin to happen. New level new devil. The commitment becomes more challenging. Time changes, conversation, habits, and normal routines morph ever so slightly. Friendships move on and slowly new ones are made. A reshaping, a new you. Sometimes you feel oppressed, or depressed but don’t give into it.

Trust God always. Pray to stay on the narrow path because it’s all worth it in the end. Become a new creation, go through the narrow gate ( Matthew 7:14).

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