Category: caring for ourselves


Dear God,

Yet again I ask, why this, why me? Talk to me God, what am I supposed to be doing? Every time I feel able to go out and get a job something else happens. Thank you God it’s not cancer again. Or back surgery again. Praise God, He has healed me of serious illness and injuries. Thank you God it’s not any one of a million other life changing scenarios. It’s just my car!

My old 2002 Honda Odyssey that I have been fixing up and repairing ever since I bought it 4 1/2 years ago. At least I didn’t have a car payment on top of all the repairs. That was one of the best cars I ever owned. I loaded that minivan with so many things, from one church to another, from my home to someone elses home. It was a beater car to look at both inside and out (that’s how I bought it) but it was reliable as long as I maintained it and fixed it when it broke down.

But THIS TIME it’s different. It’s the transmission. The cost of repairs/replacement is more than the book value of the car. I am so sad right now. Because not only did I want to work but I am also trying to move back to Florida from here in New York (before next winter).

But I feel a peace about everything. I know you have a plan for my life, just like it says in Jeremiah 29:11. You ALWAYS had a plan for me. You know my heart, soul, mind and body. I guess I am right here were I need to be. I am home doing computer catch up work for myself and packing.

Yep, I’m packing at least two boxes a day. I’m optimistic that it’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to be, according to His plan. Praise God. Thanks for the hope and strength while I wait.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)

Blessings,

Mary

 

Advertisements

 

It’s been quite awhile since my last post. A lot has happened since then. I was not only trying to run my site building business but I was also trying to find work  for myself. It seems I must have thought I wasn’t busy enough. I also had begun taking an online business class to improve my business acumen.

Pushing myself physically and mentally to get ahead. All the while doing it with an old back injury. Pushing past it by telling myself  ‘everyone has aches and pains, put on your big girl panties and deal with it’. I was not taking into account something out of the blue taking me out of commission.

Working with a back handicap and then having to have spinal fusion due to Spinal Stenosis was a new learning experience for me. I told myself it was ‘only arthritis’, but it was a lot more than that, it’s the narrowing of the spinal canal.

The doctor said 3-6 months for healing. I didn’t want to hear it and I told the doctor just that. I wanted to put a rush on it.I wanted my life back.

I exacerbated my pain symptoms once and believe me I learned my lesson. Listen to the doctor. I’m now at the 3 month mark and feel great. I look forward to the 6 month mark. Why am I writing all this? Because I didn’t plan on any of it. Everything got a little behind. Sure I caught up right away but I really don’t like to lose sight of my goals.

I also was losing sight of God when all this started. The pain was intense and unbearable it had me thinking of “I wanted” this and that. Because the pain was so constant and present I couldn’t focus or think of anything; I couldn’t even pray. That really worried me.

I wondered where was God when I was so blinded by my physical pain. I felt as if I was in a white abyss unable to clear my mind and cry out to God. I felt vulnerable and alone. Very slowly I began to realize that He was always with me, He never left me. Getting me out of the way to allow for more of Him was essential.

 I thank God all the time for His love and protection. Now, I’m back on track, looking to do more and seeking His face, seeking Him always. I am so grateful for His timing. I know I’m going to be better than I was because of Him.

 

 

 

 

I think about this often. How am I appearing to the people around me? Am I hurting anyone, offending anyone, are my ambitions out of control, am I oblivious to others around me? I know that many people don’t care about things like attitude, persona, language skills, manners or other non physical attributes but I do.

I don’t want to be treated poorly and in return I don’t want to do that to others. There are two ways to get noticed, 1) being kind, gentle, courteous and considerate or by being 2) vulgar, pushy, demanding, egocentric and cruel.

I can’t speak for others but I know that I choose the first category. It seems to me that the first category would also have a longer life span too. Some equate kindness with weakness but I don’t, to me it’s a super power. It’s a Blessing to be able to show love to others. The first category is about love the second is more about hate and self loathing.

Self loathing is like a wild beast running blindly through the world taking no prisoners except for the person with the self loathing. Then they themselves are the prisoner or “cursed one” bound by hatred and scorn. They go around condemning others because they themselves feel condemned. They can’t see any Blessings due to the curses and their innermost pain.

To break the chains of hate only prayer and love can overcome these. The Blessing of kindness, patience, gentleness, consideration and prayer comes about because the same people that are now kind, gentle, patient  and considerate were at one time hurting, pushy self loathing people also. Being part of this great diversified world we all need to be the Blessing not the Curse.

Life is hard, more so for some than for others and we need each other. We are all connected on this Earth, part of a greater brotherhood and sisterhood. Become part of something bigger than yourself, share your story with others, and begin listening to their stories also. It can be the beginning of a huge Blessing for everyone.

Deuteronomy 11:26 Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse; 27A blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you this day: 28And a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of the LORD your God, but turn aside out of the way which I command you this day, to go after other gods, which ye have not known.

Deuteronomy 30:19
“I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, …

 

Lately I have been filled with self pity and remorse. I try not to be so down but my mind starts filling with sad memories at this time of year and I battle my personal demons. I say personal because they know just how to get to me. Like some terrible old friends that I try to put out of my life but then there they are again.

Trying not to be triggered by certain things doesn’t help. It’s almost as if the enemy knows the back door to my mind and pries it open, flooding it, overwhelming my mind with self doubt and self pity. I begin to doubt my accomplishments,  strengths, direction, abilities, creativity and then my Faith.

I delve deeper into a full blown pity party. Thinking negatively towards myself I begin to think ‘poor me’, ‘no good at anything’, ‘left out of everything. Yep, full blown pity party. It started months ago.

I’ve been job hunting now for quite some time. With every resume sent and not responded to it chipped away at my self esteem, doubt in myself and skills increased. I responded by sending out more resumes, digging my heels in so to speak.

Determined more than ever to get a job. Nothing happened. Thinking it must be because I lack something I signed up for classes while waiting for responses. Nothing happened.

 Having feelings of abandonment (that’s a childhood trigger), I IMAGINE that no one cares. all the while my friends take me to lunch , sometimes dinner, give me gas money for my car, bring me as a guest to their functions, and try to show their love for me and compassion for my situation. My friends are awesome. But, because I can’t seem to let go of this baggage the feelings only increase with every kindness. It’s almost as if I have an echo in my mind that for every kindness towards me I imagine a negative feeling.

I’ve been desperately seeking employment, my Social Security check is not enough and I am also slightly disabled. My life direction lately has actually changed from volunteering in my church’s food pantry to being involved with the disabled community and also with people that also like to  help others. Which is such a wonderful thing and something I am always interested in, helping others.

I have recently been included in two new programs, one for an online  school for the disabled and another for community TV and radio to showcase disabled and local Long Islanders assisting community residents in connecting with and helping others. Perfect, right up my alley so to speak. What a Blessing. It is almost too good to be true but it is. My life direction is changing and it feels strangely wonderful. Except for my baggage that I had carrying around with me. That baggage was beginning to be quite a burden (evil spirits are no fun), I still wallow.

I have been BLESSED by so many people yet I wallow. Why do I wallow? I know now that it’s  IDOL WORSHIP because I focus on myself. Yes, indulging in self pity and self degradation is looking only at yourself. Being selfish so to speak. I thought I was just down on myself but its actually a lot worse than that. I also know now that I’m wallowing in PRIDE because I have difficulty accepting (receiving) from others. I’m usually the one that gives to others, now I have to learn how to  receive. It’s not easy for me, that’s where the Pride comes in. I learned about all these in Bible Study classes, oh yeah, I also learned about the Spirit of the Python, squeezing the life out of me. Thank God that was caught in time.

Having  been riding the fence with TRUST in GOD. Sure, He most definitely provided for me all my life not just these past years, but I needed to also provide for myself. I couldn’t just sit around waiting now could I?

Until early this morning I would have still been wallowing. What changed?

Prayer. Everyday I talk with God and ask for help of some type, like a babbling child. Show me the way God, talk to me God, hey God are you listening? Can’t you see I’m hurting and in trouble here?

Sure He can, I think He just waited until I finished babbling and wallowing.  Thank you Jesus for speaking to me today.

One of the things that changed was a remark I heard from a tele- Evangelist Christmas show. You’d think that since Christmas has been broadcast all around me I would have realized it sooner. That since I’m a Christian I’d have paid much more attention to the meaning of Christmas. Not really.

No, I was too busy wallowing, until this morning. I heard a small voice, the reason is the birth of His Son (my Savior). I thought it was the TV, maybe it doesn’t matter as long as I heard it and remembered the reason we celebrate Christmas.  Not for a tree or a jolly old man in a red suit, or for all the gifts handed back and forth, but because of a very special baby boy being born to a poor young couple in a stable . That couple were living in a wicked harsh world, raw and rough no amenities of any kind.

It was like a breakthrough for me, I can visualize it in my mind as if I was there. Look at all that I have, even if I have nothing there are so many people that are so much worse off than I am. The burden is lifted, I have much gratitude for the opportunities, family, friends and even the problems that I might think I have. I only have to remember that it was because God gave us His Son to go through all that He had to go through to show us the Way back to Him.

I can hear and see His messages to me in other peoples conversations. I see it in the beauty of the sky and the nature around me. I have my Joy and Peace back.

  I’m celebrating the birth of my Savior, the one who found me and forgave me and loves me for who I am, now and forever. The One who saved me from Hell.

Thank you Jesus, I heard one of my favorite Scriptures tonight:

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)

Merry Christmas 

The expression, “Out on a Limb” can mean:

‘In or into a position where one is not joined or supported by anyone else'(Oxforddictionaries.com) or 

 ‘This expression alludes to an animal climbing out on the limb of a tree and then being afraid or unable to retreat’ (freedictionary.com) or

‘they do something they strongly believe in even though it is risky or extreme, and is likely to fail or be criticized by other people’ (Collinsdictionary.com).

Have you every felt like you were able to fit into one of these definitions? I can identify myself with the first and third definition.

Before my conversion to Born again Christian I felt that my bad choices were like the branches of a tree. Extending further and further out and branching off in different directions. Seemingly impossible to return from that precarious perch at the end of all these branches. With each branch putting out smaller branches, some of them were ‘sucker shoots’ or water sprouts. These occurred when the tree is injured.

Imagining myself as part of the tree, with my injuries, wounds and sins I thought getting back to a new life was impossible. I found out that’s a lie from the Devil. I was feeling defeated and an easy mark.

I have literally forced myself into facing my fears, disappointments, expectations, fantasies, doubts, demons and limitations.

Learning about the Spirits have helped me to grow in Christ. Removing the bondage is a hard journey but it’s finally leaving. The Spirit of the Python is much like the vines strangling trees, roots, branches and anything it touches. It chokes the life out of the host. Life leaves, there is not any  vitality or voice to cry out.

I decided to shake the tree.

I decided to trim the tree.

I decided which limb I wanted to go out on if I needed to.

I decided not to dwell on the broken branches.

I decided that a new journey can be an exciting road to be on. As long as I remember who my Abba Father is.

I decided to seek God my own way, to keep His ways, and when I am out on a limb to remember He is there with me even on the most precarious branches. Thank you Jesus.

I decided!

Blessings, Mary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over ten  years ago A very dear friend of mine offered me a consult job. With the condition that I had to buy  a computer and learn all about it for this particular job. That was a great opportunity offered to me but I knew nothing about the computer . Some of my friends and my eldest son were way ahead of me when it came to computers. Shopping for something I knew nothing about was also a challenge. I kept circulars, info sheets, newspaper articles and all sorts of stuff to help me decide which was the best one to buy. I finally decided on one, brought it home and took it out of the boxes. 

Looking at all the parts and reading the directions I finally figured out what plug went where and how to turn it on. Back then we had a dial up connection. Remember dial up and the noises it made?

Once it was up and running, I began reading everything I could about the operations and functions of this machine. I began reaching out for more and more help from the outside. Since my friends and eldest son were much wiser than me about this I called them up constantly for assistance.

One of the things that I had the hardest time with was copy and paste. Trying to picture in my mind what they were telling me over the phone, I wasn’t grasping it. Because of  the dial up connection I couldn’t have the computer on while talking with anyone on the telephone. It was one or the other.

This simple technique of copy and paste was beyond my grasp at the time. I began working on other things keeping this question active in my mind hoping it’ll have some clarity. Waiting for an ‘ah- ha’ moment. It finally came, I was so excited I showed all my other newbie friends how to do it.

Now I copy and paste quite often, it saves me writing down a lot of notes. I noticed I did that with many things. Compartmentalizing them in a file. Thinking of my brain as a giant computer I stored away information until needed. Pulling out a file, opening it copying and pasting the information into my life, closing and saving the file.

One day I was seeking information that I knew since I was a child and found that the information was corrupted. I had bad information stored in my memories. Once I realized that I began to clean up some of my internal belief systems and get some help. I searched all the typical sources, outside agencies but I still felt dissatisfied. Something was missing from my life.

Help came  from an unexpected source, God. He slowly intervened in my life. First through friends, then through my own eyes. I saw that He was always there in my life. Being the gentleman that He always was, in the back row of the theater of my life. Waiting for me to realize He was there.

He was ever so gentle in His approach to me. Slowly lifting me up, showing me the way I needed to go. All the copy and paste information from childhood through adulthood began to be reworked in my mind.

Clarification of thought processes and reasoning’s. Now, I question everything and put it before God to make sure it’s okay for me to keep it in my memory. To move forward with a decision. I’m clearing out the clutter, all the expectations people had of me. I write my own life stories now using the past as reference points and knowing God is right there with me every step of the way. I thank God for all the Blessings in my life. I have much Gratitude.

Thank you Jesus for saving me.

Blessings,

Mary

I would like to think that we all have good intentions but that’s not necessarily true. Good intentions can turn to bad ones right before your eyes. Sometimes they turn over the course of time. Time is a subtle element of our lives. When I was raising my children time was always of the essence.

My life was a Topsy turvey mess that I was constantly battling to keep upright. Having been born in a completely dysfunctional family my learning curve was trying to stay one step ahead of the punishments that often followed my mistakes. Being a kid I was bound to make mistakes. The swiftness of the reprisal imprinted on me and I would try to be the perfect little everything.  In school I was withdrawn and buried myself in books. Not much to look at, overweight and a tomboy. My parents worked me hard inside the house and doing yard work.

I became a compulsive young adult with small children and eventually an obsessive-compulsive full grown adult. Obsessed with getting everything right, compelled to be perfect. Looking back I realize how much pressure I had on myself and  put upon myself through my own personal demons.

My intentions were to survive with the least amount of bad things happening to my children and myself. Having married and divorced young I hadn’t finished learning how to be a young adult when I had children. My upbringing impacted my life so much that confusion as to choosing the right path and the right people to be with was an everyday question. I was on my own with young lives to care for. I love my children and would do anything to take care of them. Making decisions without any knowledge or forecast of the possible outcomes became a gamble. I said to myself ‘ well, just make A DECISION and live with it, good or bad’. I have to add, some of them were bad. Ignorance was not bliss.

My desire to be part of a family unit, to be loved and wanted overshadowed many decisions. My kids always had plenty of food, were kept clean and dry, were well loved and protected. I did the best I could as a  very naive young female and single parent. Having lousy social skills and poor social judgments didn’t help me.

My intentions were all good but life was very hard for us. Searching for affordable housing while on welfare was a joke. Back then welfare was different for those that were not ‘working the system’. It was harsh, humiliating and degrading. Going to the doctors was awful, they treated recipients different than regular patients.

 Renting a house was difficult. Either the landlord was slumlord, was a shoddy person, or wouldn’t renew leases after one year. That was no excuse according to DSS. One time while renting a shoddy house, it became unsafe for us to live there and it was close to our years term. In order for us to find other housing we had to call the Police as a legal witness, the Fire Department to do a safety inspection and the Board of Health. If Social Services wanted any other inspections we had to get them also. Once that was completed and eviction inevitable we had to call the motel unit after hours to get placed. How humiliating is that? We finally got into a motel unit only by having the landlord evict us with no other place to go. DSS paid over $700/week for us to stay in one room with kitchenette but would not let me rent a house that was not a dump. All of our belongings were squeezed into this room if we couldn’t  find someone to store our stuff for us. Often we lost furniture etc. I became really good at thrift stores and curb alerts.

The money we had to live on was unsuitable for anyone to live on. I had to wash clothes by hand when my children were younger if the house didn’t have a washer and dryer. Everything was extra out of pocket, laundry, taxable items, bus fare, gas, school supplies etc. It was hard and emotionally painful and draining. No wonder people give up.

I never did give up though. No matter what I had to do I did the best I could for my children. They might not have liked the way we lived but we did live. We moved many times. We ate, had shelter, clean clothes, and a car. They had one of the first computers that came out ( courtesy of an ex husband), the first Nintendo game console, stereos etc,. Getting off of DSS was one of the hardest things I did. I had to work two jobs, depend on babysitters (that were unreliable and ultimately unsafe), a car that kept breaking down, no help from family, and a lot of flack from others Life became really hard for us. Bad decisions, good intentions, consequences all around. It was also the 1960’s-70’s lots of controversy happening in the world. As difficult and painful as my life was I don’t regret a thing. Life lessons learned. I became a better person through all the difficulties.

Years later looking back at how we survived, my children are grown, tall, handsome, well built intelligent, thriving adult men.  My intentions were good, my end result  is that my boys are grown into fine men, mission accomplished. I set out to raise my boys the best way I knew how and I did. My story is known through the friends that I had during those times.  

I still struggle with my intentions only now I lay them down at the cross. With all my tears and sorrowful heart. Yes I still cry out for my lost childhood and theirs, the marriages I had hopes and dreams for, the college that I never completed, and the loneliness I still feel.

When you have good intentions you still have to deal with the consequences, no matter how they turn out. I lay them down again and again until I finally give in to my Abba Father and finally let go of all my intentions.

Thank you Jesus for saving me from myself and the world.

Blessings,

Mary

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’m the type of person that when I give you my word I carry it through. I am dedicated to completing the commitment or promise(s) that I made. I will doggedly pursue the task of completion just to get it off my “list” of things that I have to do. I understand how it feels when someone breaks a promise. It can hurt and have consequences. I don’t want to be that kind of person.

Besides compassion I have fortitude. Yes, is a driving force within me. However, when it comes to doing something for myself, my personal being, the me, myself and I person it’s a different story. I become the procrastinator person. Over the years I became so well practiced at putting others first I seemed to have forgotten myself along the way. I put myself on the back burner so to speak. As I now struggle to redefine myself I backslide every now and then.

I  force myself to change the way I do things. That’s not an easy thing to do either. Along with my determination there’s also a bit of stubbornness. I try to sit down and write a list of tasks or phone calls and wind up having a contest with myself to see just what I can accomplish in a day. I’m getting better at it. The list gets smaller and smaller each time I do it. I make it fun too. Sort of mix it up, business and pleasure. Being careful to not become a self-centered person. I know it’s not about me but I do have to take care of business. It’s about balance.

There are times that I actually feel less guilty about the time I spend taking care of my personal business. Maybe I just need more practice at self love. Hmm, tonight after class I might just soak my feet and give myself a pedicure. A type of reward for some tasks well done. Reminder to self: we say that every week. Hmm, practice balance.

Don’t get me wrong, I love helping others. It’s instilled in me, that’s part of who I am. Being a Born again Christian has improved who I am and whose I am. Knowing that I am God’s kid has made me grow more like Him.

Being human makes me realize that I have limitations and can get overwhelmed. That’s where He comes in. He reminds me that trying to do everything is HIS job. After all He is the all knowing, all seeing, all powerful God. God ALWAYS keeps His promises. He reminds me that I need to take of myself and that He is always with me. As much as I try to hurry and accomplish my tasks He shows me the beauty of a flower, the complexity of the Earth and weather, and the no such thing as coincidence phone call from a distant friend or relative.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a busy woman but now I have more clarity and a deeper sense of my purpose on this Earth. I have learned to back down politely when asked to take on another volunteer task. I have become a little more fine tuned.

I thank God for all the opportunities that come my way. With each opportunity it’s like going on another little adventure. My friends all know how much I like new adventures.

Blessings Always,

Mary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

It seems oftentimes in my life I have been  waiting on someone to go with me somewhere, do things with me or just hang out with me. I am asked frequently why I go places alone or why can’t I just “wait for someone to go with me”. I tell those same people that I would be missing out on some great adventures if I constantly waited and depended on others.

Waiting for a person that says “I’ll let you know about”… going to the movies , lunch, the park, a trip etc only to have them say at the last minute that something else came up. Usually something that had to do with another person, someone that was doing something better or they just had some fears of the unknown.

I figured out that by not depending on others also meant that I would have more alone time. Time to reflect. Instead of being hurt and upset I made a conscious decision to make and have adventures on my own. I go to the movies myself, lunch, and flea markets to name a few.  Even taking another route back home can be filled with new things for me. Finding new shortcuts, a yard sale, farm stands, beautiful homes, it can be anything.

It’s not that I am truly alone. I know that God is always with me. I think He waited for me to realize just that. Sure if my friends ask me to do something with them I will consider going but I also consider how the friend is. Can I depend on this person? Am I going to be safe with them? Will I be disappointed again?

There are times I jump right in and tread the waters of extending myself and my emotions out to the world. Being vulnerable and waiting again. As I wait I think to myself ” …I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” (Psalm 139:14). I thank Him daily. Why should I worry or what do I need to be afraid of? I have royal blood in my veins. I will never be upset or disappointed again as long I remember whose child I am. I know that God wants me to also be smart about things like road safety, being prepared while on trips, and being healthy enough. Now that I am up in years I plan my trips ahead of time. I know that God wants me to have good sense too.

I venture out on my long and short road trips with a glad heart. Knowing of the great adventures before me. I love seeing how others live, even state by state, truck stop by truck stop. The great expanses of land, trees, farmland, and the architecture of cities and towns.  Seeing the beautiful creations of God, looking with eyes of wonder at the details and intricacies of nature and how great God is. How awesome.

Just thinking of all that again makes me want to go on a road trip again. What about you? Do you wait on others?

Blessings,

Mary

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Being a Born Again Christian means just that. Being BORN AGAIN. Another chance, a renewing of one’s self inside and out. I was a Christian before, a Catholic Christian, believing in God and Jesus Christ, the Blessed Mother and all the saints too.

It’s not the same as being a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN.  I now only pray to Jesus, God  and talk with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that’s inside of me. The one and only Holy Trinity.

John 14:Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

So through Jesus it is. It took awhile to dispel all the religious legalism I had learned through my life. But I am a willing student. I wanted what Jesus had to offer. The goodness, mercy, peace, and most of all forgiveness. Like a little girl I ran to Him. I wanted it all. I got it. It was a slow road, retraining my mouth, my thoughts and my actions but it was well worth it. Here are some of my thoughts about this journey that I’m on.

I used to curse, smoke, drink, do light drugs, talk about people, I was jealous, envious, lustful, and  I was also sad, alone, unhealthy and isolated from whatever good was out there and never feeling good enough, never knowing real love, I felt alone, distant, confused, distrustful and angry. My life was so unfair, I  felt the dread the overbearing dread. It felt heavy, it was like a dragging weight. Constantly pulling at me. I wanted to escape.

I wanted to be saved by my white knight. I used to say that all the time and add, yeah, it’s probably the Ajax white knight so he can clean up my act, I think I mentioned it in a previous post. There was a TV commercial about Ajax back in my day with a shining knight on a white horse. I guess it stuck in my head, (sigh) another fantasy. I wanted a better life, that life was not the life that I planned on. I used to think June Cleaver, a TV fantasy mother (Leave it to Beaver TV Show) was the perfect mother, wife, homemaker, etc. She also wasn’t real but TV made her look as if we all wanted to be like her. One of my early idols, not including Elvis.  I had a great fantasy life, what an imagination!

I worked hard before I was saved trying to straighten my life out, but I couldn’t keep up. Talk about running around in circles. I was prime pickings for dark thoughts, the whispers in my own head. I began to spiral. I was in my little pity party again planning my escape.

I made a mess, I made so many mistakes, I sinned, I lusted, I envied, I was jealous,  often negative about many things. It was just a matter of time. Like smoking cigarettes ( which I no longer do) we think of the consequences happening down the road. Not realizing it’s really a short road we’re all on.

I fell down and did’t even realize it. Thinking that because I  went to church every Sunday and celebrated the church holidays that it was enough. It wasn’t. I also celebrated Halloween and Easter at that time too.

Geez, I was confused. Receiving Holy Communion and worshiping pagan idols and pagan holidays. What was I thinking?

I was confused and living in a growing fogginess of confusion. There were times I couldn’t even make good decisions or the right ones. It had become so bad at one point that I just more or less flipped a coin, pick one decision and live with it, I said to myself. Take the consequences as they come. Russian roulette with my life. My Spiritual life. What was I thinking?

Today I am so much better, much more of a real person. The person I always wanted to be. I made a lot of mistakes, wrong turns. It has been a long road back to where I’m supposed to be. I don’t curse anymore, or drink like I used to.

It’s funny but I hardly remember that other person. I had been saved and changed and reborn. I think the term regenerated is more like it. I am not the person I used to be, I am so much more.

Like Saul I had a radical change. I knew all the right things I was supposed to be but I had them tainted by the darkness. I’m freer than I have ever been in my life. I’m clean and clear in mind, heart, body and soul. Hopefully, God willing I am a better person now. I look forward to being an even better person.

I want my joy, my change in me to show outwardly not just inwardly. I have some physical issues I deal with that slow down that smile I have inside bursting to come out. But I still have my spontaneous laughter. Sometimes I just crack myself up.

I have many people that pray for me and I also pray for them. The difference it makes in our lives is noticeable. My non Christian friends and some of my family members talk of God now more often, and not in jest. Others are beginning to soften. That’s a good thing because this is a very hard world we live an and we need to be each others friend(neighbor).

We really need to stop being so selfish because we put up walls all around us and in doing so no one can come in or go out. So who is the prisoner? The walls are also around your heart, start slowly, allow yourself to be led by the Lord. Just say over and over, Let go and Let God. It will happen, curses and bondage’s will be broken, some take longer than others. Be persistent, learn everything you can to better yourself the REAL way. From the Good Book, the Bible.

If I need to make a decision nowadays I just ask my Abba Father to help me out. It gets easier each time. I am a child of God why wouldn’t He want to help me. He loves me no matter what. Do I have to learn to behave? Yes I do. I need to stop being sinful and disobedient. Is sin fun? Yes for a short time but you always have to pay the piper (Satan). Just quit acting out and get on with your real life, in Christ. Let go and let God. I am Blessed I am chosen, I am BORN AGAIN!

What about you? Are you free to choose?

 

Here’s a P.S:

I went to an Intensive Weekend in Orlando a few years ago. My very first one. I went with my eyes and my heart open. During one of the services I had a person speak prophetically to me. My eyes were closed in prayer so I didn’t know who she was.

Part of what I was told was that the Savior on the White horse was coming for me. Being silly and skeptical I made the crack about the Ajax what knight coming for me. I thought Jesus was coming to kill me. I didn’t understand what other things she was saying, it was very late so I went upstairs to my hotel room. My roommate wasn’t there yet.

I tossed my Bible on my bed and it slid off and fell pages down opened on the floor. I looked at it for a moment and said out loud, ‘God if there’s something you want me to see let me see it’. I had an odd feeling  as I picked the Bible up carefully from the floor. I searched the two pages for anything that might be meant for me. There it was in the lower left hand corner, 

Revelation 19:11-16English Standard Version (ESV)

The Rider on a White Horse

11 Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. 12 His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. 13 He is clothed in a robe dipped in[a] blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. 14 And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. 15 From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule[b] them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty.16 On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

The next morning I sought out an explanation because I was becoming fearful of the prophecy spoken over me. Once it was explained to me I told the leader what I thought. She laughed and said it meant that Jesus WANTS me, He was seeking me. He wanted to be more in my life because He loved me. I was chosen.

There was my knight on the White Horse. I am forever thankful and I began a wonderfully fulfilling journey with a brand new life.

Blessings,

Mary

 

 

 

%d bloggers like this: