Lately I have been filled with self pity and remorse. I try not to be so down but my mind starts filling with sad memories at this time of year and I battle my personal demons. I say personal because they know just how to get to me. Like some terrible old friends that I try to put out of my life but then there they are again.

Trying not to be triggered by certain things doesn’t help. It’s almost as if the enemy knows the back door to my mind and pries it open, flooding it, overwhelming my mind with self doubt and self pity. I begin to doubt my accomplishments,  strengths, direction, abilities, creativity and then my Faith.

I delve deeper into a full blown pity party. Thinking negatively towards myself I begin to think ‘poor me’, ‘no good at anything’, ‘left out of everything. Yep, full blown pity party. It started months ago.

I’ve been job hunting now for quite some time. With every resume sent and not responded to it chipped away at my self esteem, doubt in myself and skills increased. I responded by sending out more resumes, digging my heels in so to speak.

Determined more than ever to get a job. Nothing happened. Thinking it must be because I lack something I signed up for classes while waiting for responses. Nothing happened.

 Having feelings of abandonment (that’s a childhood trigger), I IMAGINE that no one cares. all the while my friends take me to lunch , sometimes dinner, give me gas money for my car, bring me as a guest to their functions, and try to show their love for me and compassion for my situation. My friends are awesome. But, because I can’t seem to let go of this baggage the feelings only increase with every kindness. It’s almost as if I have an echo in my mind that for every kindness towards me I imagine a negative feeling.

I’ve been desperately seeking employment, my Social Security check is not enough and I am also slightly disabled. My life direction lately has actually changed from volunteering in my church’s food pantry to being involved with the disabled community and also with people that also like to  help others. Which is such a wonderful thing and something I am always interested in, helping others.

I have recently been included in two new programs, one for an online  school for the disabled and another for community TV and radio to showcase disabled and local Long Islanders assisting community residents in connecting with and helping others. Perfect, right up my alley so to speak. What a Blessing. It is almost too good to be true but it is. My life direction is changing and it feels strangely wonderful. Except for my baggage that I had carrying around with me. That baggage was beginning to be quite a burden (evil spirits are no fun), I still wallow.

I have been BLESSED by so many people yet I wallow. Why do I wallow? I know now that it’s  IDOL WORSHIP because I focus on myself. Yes, indulging in self pity and self degradation is looking only at yourself. Being selfish so to speak. I thought I was just down on myself but its actually a lot worse than that. I also know now that I’m wallowing in PRIDE because I have difficulty accepting (receiving) from others. I’m usually the one that gives to others, now I have to learn how to  receive. It’s not easy for me, that’s where the Pride comes in. I learned about all these in Bible Study classes, oh yeah, I also learned about the Spirit of the Python, squeezing the life out of me. Thank God that was caught in time.

Having  been riding the fence with TRUST in GOD. Sure, He most definitely provided for me all my life not just these past years, but I needed to also provide for myself. I couldn’t just sit around waiting now could I?

Until early this morning I would have still been wallowing. What changed?

Prayer. Everyday I talk with God and ask for help of some type, like a babbling child. Show me the way God, talk to me God, hey God are you listening? Can’t you see I’m hurting and in trouble here?

Sure He can, I think He just waited until I finished babbling and wallowing.  Thank you Jesus for speaking to me today.

One of the things that changed was a remark I heard from a tele- Evangelist Christmas show. You’d think that since Christmas has been broadcast all around me I would have realized it sooner. That since I’m a Christian I’d have paid much more attention to the meaning of Christmas. Not really.

No, I was too busy wallowing, until this morning. I heard a small voice, the reason is the birth of His Son (my Savior). I thought it was the TV, maybe it doesn’t matter as long as I heard it and remembered the reason we celebrate Christmas.  Not for a tree or a jolly old man in a red suit, or for all the gifts handed back and forth, but because of a very special baby boy being born to a poor young couple in a stable . That couple were living in a wicked harsh world, raw and rough no amenities of any kind.

It was like a breakthrough for me, I can visualize it in my mind as if I was there. Look at all that I have, even if I have nothing there are so many people that are so much worse off than I am. The burden is lifted, I have much gratitude for the opportunities, family, friends and even the problems that I might think I have. I only have to remember that it was because God gave us His Son to go through all that He had to go through to show us the Way back to Him.

I can hear and see His messages to me in other peoples conversations. I see it in the beauty of the sky and the nature around me. I have my Joy and Peace back.

  I’m celebrating the birth of my Savior, the one who found me and forgave me and loves me for who I am, now and forever. The One who saved me from Hell.

Thank you Jesus, I heard one of my favorite Scriptures tonight:

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)

Merry Christmas 

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